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What The Hell Do I Do With This Jade Roller?

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Welcome to “What The Hell Do I Do With This?” a column I can’t promise to make very frequent, but do promise to run when consumer trends deem it truly necessary. The inaugural chapter of this series will pivot on a question I am asked nearly daily. This rate appears to be correlated directly with the number of packages I receive from Herbivore, Angela Caglia, Goop, and various other lifestyle brands I am not remembering at this instant. All these packages come bearing new, shiny jade rollers. But no one knows why! Coworkers approach me frequently, asking, “Emily, do I need to get a jade roller?” Or, “Emily, what the hell do I do with this jade roller?” And sometimes, “Emily, stop pawning off all these jade rollers on us, we don’t know what to do with them!” Message received. We're all a little confused. Understandably! But for no reason. I'll show you how simple this can be.

What is a jade roller?

This is a jade roller. Sometimes they're green, sometimes they're pink, sometimes they're purple. You’ll find that the color doesn’t matter. At its core, it’s a piece of jade or some other crystal-y stone that is fitted to roll around a fixed pole as you push it around on your face. Do it upwards and outwards, they say. Also, after you’ve applied some choice skincare—you’ll want some slip.

But why?

Because! Skincare is in these days, and now there are a lot of consumer gadgets for you to spend your money on. Some people think it feels good. Some people think you can lift your face muscles à la Jane Fonda through the virtues of manual massage. Some people think a rookie, at-home lymphatic massage will “drain” your face. Nobody is wrong, nobody is right. They’re just all mindlessly jade rolling from the couch in front of Real Housewives at night.

Do I need one?

Absolutely not. You don’t need anything. Just the sun on your face and the wind in your hair. It’s the simple things in the life that are worth the most.

But I already have one.

That's chill. Use it to release tense jaw muscles at the end of a long day of staring at your computer maybe.

Can it make my skincare "work" harder?

No. Nothing is being pushed in or accelerated thanks to this weird, smooth stone.

Emily, do you have one?

Yes. At some point, I had five. I’ve since distributed them to friends and foes alike.

But why?

Because I couldn't help myself! At one point, I thought it would be nice if I put it in my freezer. So I put it there and promptly forgot about it. One time I washed my face with hot water and flushed something awful right before a night out. I rolled that freezing jade roller over my cheeks for as long as it stayed cold. (Not very long.) It sort of helped. I also will use it under my eyes if they’re puffy or feel fuzzy.

Couldn’t you use a cold spoon for that?

100%.

—Emily Ferber

Photographed by Tom Newton.