Greetings my beauty compatriots. It’s a new week which brings new opportunities for me to rub lotions on my face until my wrists grow weary. As always, I tried a myriad of products with the sole intention of restoring my skin to my youthful days of yore. Here are the products I abhorred, adored, and apathetically appraised.

Talika SOS Party Kit

This brand of sheet masks is making a lot of assumptions about my social life, namely that I attend parties. While I’m known to show my face at the occasional movie screening, Jeremy O. Harris play, or birthday karaoke night, in truth I have not left my house in four weeks since winter reared its ashy head. Still, I tried my best to use this product, as the Talika gods would have it. The kit is divided into “Before Party” and “After Party,” which consist of two products each. For the “Before Party” I washed my face and put on the Bio-Enzyme Hydrating Mask. The word enzyme mentally prepared me for some legitimate science™ to happen, but sadly, I felt no more hydrated than with any other sheet mask. As far as the “Eye Therapy Patch” was concerned, my eyes are still learning how to cope with the anxiety of smizing while trying to see at the same time. This experience was fine.

The “After Party” process was a different story. I am someone who lacks activation energy when it comes to my beauty routine. The last thing I want to do after a long evening of listening to people talk about airline mileage (by the way, this is what people over age 25 discuss at parties), is to stay up for 15-30 minutes longer to do a night mask. Still, the Bubble Mask Bio Detox is simple. It was when I got to the instructions for the Eye Decompress, which read verbatim: “Press the capsule: the serum seeps into the capsule of the pellet. Peel off the cover side wafer. Start the relaxation podcast previously downloaded using the QR code on the Eye decompress,” that the real problem arose. A podcast download? Too much work for me. If I have to listen to a podcast to get baby skin, just call me Mr. Burns because I’m not doing the labor.

Mario Badescu Toner

I don’t have much to say about this toner. It tones! My pores are cleaner than a Kidz Bop rendition of Party Rock Anthem. Those VSCO Girls were on to something.

Summer Fridays CC Me Vitamin C Serum

I don’t have strong feelings about this serum. Hell, I don’t have strong feelings about any serum. (I reserve my feelings for bi-yearly Adele drops and reruns of Succession). Summer Fridays CC Serum was chill. It didn’t hydrate me like I need to be hydrated, but that’s because my skin is thirstier than a Real Housewife in need of more airtime. (If y’all know of a serum that will quench my skin’s dehydration, drop a name below with the hashtag #dryskinrepresentation.)

La Mer The Hydrating Illuminator

This product from Belgium sets out to do two things. Hydrate and Illuminate. And guess what? It succeeded at both. Vive la Belgium, viva la vida, livin la vida loca.

—Ziwe Fumudoh