Shit, It's Summer

shit it's summer slider image
shit it's summer slider image

If the current weather were the only indicator, you’d be forgiven for thinking that it’s October. (In New York, it’s been nothing but overcast with a high of 65 for weeks.) In any event, you can’t remember the last time you didn’t have to wear a jacket to the office. Last night, you slept in socks.

And then, suddenly, on your walk to lunch one day you notice it: Perspiration. Spring, that dream season of our imaginations, has passed you by once again—maybe you’ll catch it next year? “What were the signs?” you ask, shaking your head at the all-too-sunny, humidity-ridden weather report. “Where were the warnings?” Whatever and wherever they were, you missed them. “Shit,” you think, “it’s summer.”

It’s fine though–really!–because we are blessed… It’s 2017, and the world is at your fingertips, quite literally. Thank God for that Amazon Prime same-day delivery. You can get all of your hell-weather preparedness tools in two days for but a small fee.

First, address your most basic needs: personal temperature. Add this Mini Personal Desk Fan to your cart so that you’re still alive by the time you’re able to think about what comes next. It’s very cute, and will look nice next to your tiny plants and candles. But this reminds you that candles create heat, which you’re about to have your fill of. So you swap them out for this Kai Reed Diffuser, which smells something like honeysuckle. You’d be hard-pressed to find a more summer-y fragrance.

In the middle of all this, your phone lights up with a text from your best friend—we’ll call her Judy—inviting you to the beach tomorrow afternoon. That’s hardly enough time to perfect your fake tan; well-exfoliated, pasty skin is going to have to do. You furiously type “Jute Dry Brush” into the search bar, because it’s a handy little brush made out of a vegetable fiber called jute, for sloughing off all the dead, dry winter skin–giving new skin cells the chance to form. Plus, it will look nice hanging in your shower next to a fresh bunch of eucalyptus leaves…that you imagine are there because you’ve seen it in a Top Shelf once but have no idea where to get eucalyptus leaves. Adds to cart.

Now you’re thinking sadly of last year’s swimsuits, wadded up in a bottom-most drawer, and how they sag at the back when you put them on, and may or may not have strawberry margarita stains that never came out. No biggie, because you just peeked this one-piece from Solid and Striped, which is incredibly flattering and would also look great with a pair of denim shorts pulled on top as a sort of a bodysuit you can wear in a public situation. To cover up afterward, you’ll be draping yourself in one of these pretty cotton towels, traditionally used in Turkish baths, because they’re lightweight, uber functional, and will help to convey the whole summer lewk. “Wouldn’t it be nice to have something to carry all of this in?” you think. How about this Jane Birkin-esque large Moroccan basket tote?

At this point you’re on a roll, and your sight is set on the really important things now: sunscreen. Don’t forget, those super smooth legs haven’t seen the light of day for probably nine months—your skin is in mortal danger out there. This Avène Ultra-Light SPF 50 doubles as a “Hydrating Lotion Spray” that happens to be hypoallergenic, non-comedogenic, and surprisingly gentle and soothing. Though you love Crème de Corps, the imminent high-heat state of things–greasy, slimy–makes you reach for something a bit lighter—i.e. this Herbivore Jasmine body oil, because it smells great and unlike some oils, absorbs easily into the skin. And with that in your virtual cart, having hardly lifted a finger, you’re set for the summer season.

Photo via Getty.

For ten more products to summer-ize your beauty routine, read this.