5 Ways To Cure Hangover Face

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Youth is wasted on the young because no hard-working adult deserves a hangover. Really! Why is college just some big, drinking, get out of jail scot-and-beer-belly-free card while the rest of your long, hard life becomes one big hazard sign for headaches, puffiness, and nausea the morning after? Oh, and if you thought that was all (talking to you, still-in-college kids), there's more: dullness (of the mind and of the skin), enlarged pores, and broken capillaries may await you after one too many adult beverages. And all you wanted to do was kick back and relax. Think again, chump.

The true cure for this is to opt for a root beer instead. But I know that's not going to happen, you know that's not going to happen, so let's just accept that it's not going to happen. On the rare occasion that you let your very dirty martini up with olives get the best of you, there's a skincare solution for that. It's best paired with a bottle of flat ginger ale and a bacon, egg, and cheese.

When book club turns into wine club because who has time to read?

Sure, wine has tannins (tannins!?), but tannins can't save you from wine face—that rosy inflammation that looks a lot like rosacea. That's because it might actually be rosacea, which is really annoying and rude and not fair at all. Funny story: Alcohol is a vasodilator, meaning it opens up the blood vessels and makes your face flush. Kinda cute... until the vessels overdilate and burst. If that doesn't sober you up, there's Derm Institute's Anti-Oxidant Hydration Gel Masque, served in a little Crystal Lite pack full of aloe, camellia, and arnica to relieve all the discomfort of having a red, irritated face. It suggests you apply as an overnight treatment—but use it whenever, really. You don't follow the book club rules of actually reading the book, so why follow the rules here?

When you're dateless at a wedding and it's a cash bar except for the beer on tap

Beer has pluses and minuses. The pluses are: on the whole, you might be drinking less alcohol by volume over the course of the night, and it's a pretty decent source of B vitamins! It also has salt and gluten, which is a mighty fine way to make your eyes puffy. There's an eye cream for that—actually two if you pick up the Aurelia Probiotic Skincare Eye Revitalising Duo. The set comes with a cooling rollerball that makes it easy to do your own improvised version of a lymphatic drainage massage around your sockets, and a pot of cream featuring arnica and centella asiatica to reduce inflammation and dark circles. Stay away from eye makeup for a day and then you're set.

When your college friends insist on Fireball shots "for old times sake"

Should have suggested tequila instead. A) Because tequila is for winners, and B) clear liquor has fewer congeners (the hangover culprits that come from the fermentation process) than amber liquor. But you didn't do that, so now your face is in a delicate state. What it needs is a delicate detox. Something like Joëlle Ciocco's Detox Serum, the cult French facialist's closest thing to an acne treatment. I say closest thing because French facialists don't really do harsh acne treatment the way Americans do. If you ignore P50, everything else is on the gentle side. This oxygenated serum targets impurities by helping skin breathe better overall. Joelle tells you, "Do not massage, but gently smooth into your skin." Too bad she wasn't around to also tell you not to take Fireball shots. Too little, too late Joelle.

When margaritas are two for $10 until 8 and it's 7:45

Oh God, the sugar. It's so delicious until it's triggering your hormones and making your skin oily. Oh, to be alive! In swoops Charlotte Tilbury's Goddess Skin Clay Mask promising to return you to the baby skin you had when you first discovered tropical drinks with tiny umbrellas back during freshman year. The genius of this mask is that it doesn't dry on your face like a standard clay, so it removes gunk without removing what little hydration you have left. Drink another glass of water while you're at it and leave on for 40 minutes.

When last night was enough but you still RSVP'd yes to boozy brunch today

Hair of the dog! Love it. Good choice. Also a good time to mist, mask, and go. First step: the Lumion Oxygen Mist that features hypochlorous acid to protect against environmental aggressors (basically you when you're drunk). Then roll on something like the Kenzo SOS Roll-On Mask (coming out soon, 'til then, substitute with Anti-Aging Roll-On Mask Nuxuriance Ultra) that requires very little hand-eye coordination. The luminous particles will make it look like you slept and even out any stale makeup application you're still hanging on to. Grab a very large pair of sunglasses and go live your best life.

—Emily Ferber

Photographed by Tom Newton.

More sheet masks for when you've had one too many. Also, related: got any hangover remedies? Please tell us.

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