Please, Oh Please, Help Me Get Rid Of This Hangover

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If your advice is to "drink water," get off of this website immediately, come to my apartment, and just euthanize me. I spent my holiday off work doing what other fun-loving young professionals do in their downtime—kneeling on the floor of my apartment doing Peppermint Patty shots. If you don't know what those are, then you are doing fine with your life. Never change.

Now I'm swaddled in bed, dreaming of death's sweet embrace. The front of my face hurts, and the soft winter light from the window opposite me is bleaching my cornea. Even worse, I have to do it all again this weekend. ("Don't drink"? On New Year's Eve? Whatever, Oprah.) Please help me avoid being hungover ever again, and share with me your natural, unnatural, whatever hangover remedies, both for prevention and for coping. I'm 10 minutes away from ordering one of those on-demand IVs.

—Brennan Kilbane

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