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The Best Masks To Pair With Your Favorite Garbage TV Shows

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Masks and reality TV go together like lawsuits and reality TV. What's better than globbing on some product, parking in front of the television, and slowly melting until you're a puddle of flesh and white clay? Almost nothing. But getting from here to that liquid state is sometimes stressful—what show do I watch? What mask do I slather? What food do I eat? The last one is obvious—fresh guacamole from Whole Foods—but for the first two, we made a little guide for you. Never worry about what skincare to do while you watch TV ever again:

The Only Way Is EssexYurga Skincare Pumpkin Clay Mask

Allow me to introduce you to the worst show on television, or on Hulu, where I consume it: The Only Way Is Essex. It documents the lives of a lovable ragtag group of garbage people—some looking for love, some looking for vaginal decals, all of them looking for bottle service—as they navigate adulthood just east of London. A born-and-bred Londoner once described Essex, the show's Verona, as the "Jersey Shore of the United Kingdom." His quote, not mine, but it's pretty apt. My favorite part of the show besides Gemma Collins is trying to figure out what the cast members are saying through their extremely thick Essex accents. Without subtitles, understanding them is nearly impossible for anybody who is not from the greater UK. Best to use a mask that will not distract you from focusing intently on this. The clarifying power of Yurga's Pumpkin Mask leaves your face a poreless baby bottom, and when you're done with the episode, you can rinse off everything that happened in the past hour. —Brennan Kilbane

Vanderpump RulesMay Lindstrom The Honey Mud

Vanderpump Rules is the Frasier of the reality TV show world. Take a perfectly great flagship show (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, or its foil, Cheers), pick the character with the most compelling personal life (Lisa Vanderpump is Kelsey Grammar here) and build a totally new show that’s reliably more compelling than the original. The premise here is that Housewife of Beverly Hills Lisa Vanderpump and her husband own three restaurants in the Los Angeles area and employ a bunch of super-Botoxed lowlifes to staff them. While she’s off cavorting with Kyle Richards and the rest of the RHOBH posse, those lowlifes get too drunk, yell at each other a lot, sleep with each other’s romantic partners, and get fired (only to get rehired again, most of the time). Who wins? We do. But just in case excessive lewdness stresses you out, employ the May Lindstrom Honey Mud mask during the 40 minutes it takes to watch an episode of Pump Rules. It’s gently antibacterial to kill any of your cortisol-fueled breakouts; and it’s hydrating, which is important because you’re going to want at least one bottle of wine per episode of this one. —Emily Ferber

RuPaul's Drag RaceYon-Ka Masque No. 1

Oh my God—how do you not watch this show? Please, change your lifestyle. Drag Race is the consummate reality competition program, with elements of American Idol, Project Runway, that makeup show Rebecca Romijn hosts I don't watch, and NASCAR. If you're looking for drama, hello, let me introduce you to 14 drag queens all competing for $100,000. If you're looking for subtle, lowkey makeup tips, maybe Teen Mom is more your thing. Every single moment on Drag Race is unmissable, so choose a mask that you don't have to worry about rinsing off like Yon-Ka's cult Masque No. 1. It's the ideal winter skin rehydrating mask and it smells like $100,000. Alyssa Edwards would love it! —BK

Leah Remini: Scientology and the AftermathTrue Botanicals Resurfacing Moisture Mask

I found myself watching, and occasionally dozing off through, a marathon of this A&E show on January 1 and I have to say: It’s not as bad as I was expecting. Leah Remini is a really good storyteller and her compassion for those spurned by David Miscavige and Scientology makes for compelling TV. But if you’re an impatient audience, opt for Going Clear on HBO, because Leah Remini’s version is jam-packed with commercial breaks. It could be frustrating until you realize that commercials are the perfect time to catch up on your masking. Well-suited for the second or third commercial break (which one is longer?), the True Botanicals Resurfacing Moisture Mask is a gentle enzyme peel that hydrates while it sloughs off dead skin in 2-5 minutes. Spread on clean skin, wash off with warm water, and plant your ass back on the couch so Leah can serve you another piping hot round of Scientology tea. —EF

90 Day FiancéLeaders Pore Minimizing Sheet Mask

The TLC reality show 90 Day Fiancé is a show about love in the same way that an episode of Dateline is about love. I don't even want to explain the whole premise for you, but I will tell you that 90 days is the lifespan of a K-1 visa and, oops, that's the whole premise. It's deeply problematic and I love it because I'm trash. Should you choose to watch it, wear Leaders' Pore Minimizing Sheet Mask (my favorite sheet mask) because it's very difficult to watch a show with a sheet mask on and you shouldn't be watching 90 Day Fiancé in the first place. —BK

The BachelorNannette de Gaspé Restorative Techstile Face Masque

Watching The Bachelor and wearing the Nannette de Gaspé face mask are both odd experiences for me. The former because one of my high school classmates is competing for Nick’s love this season, with a brand new nose and a brand new southern accent (we’re both from Chicago). The latter because it’s a completely dry mask. Instead of suspended in a glycerin goo, the ingredients are infused in the stretchy, techy fabric and activated by your body heat and movement. This is why Nanette is able to provide customers with an 87% concentration of pure actives to reverse-age you into oblivion. It’s always hard to report on the efficacy of anti-aging products, but I can tell you that you remove the mask to extremely fancy-feeling skin. Added bonus: Because it’s dry, you can reuse the mask up to three times. Which should be useful once The Bachelor starts airing twice a week. Something to look forward to! —EF

Photographed by Tom Newton.

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