To whom it may concern,

First of all, babies do not need long eyelashes.

They're already tiny and squishy, with big eyes and miniature fingernails and a cocktail of natural odors that makes grown adults want to sniff their scalps. If babies are cute because, evolutionarily, it sparked some kind of protective instinct in elders that improved their chances of survival, that's happening with or without the lashes. Speaking of: have you seen a baby lately? Especially in wintertime, those things are bundled up tighter than you packed your wineglasses for your last move. Strollers look more like Air Stream campers than pushcarts. And with all that protection, babies' eyes don't need the corneal shielding XL lashes provide—where are they going? A construction site?

In a similar vein, long eyelashes on animals. Why? Researchers suggest that eyelashes have an optimal length to protect their underlying balls from dust and dryness, and that length is one third the width of the eye. Humans wake up and make the choice to chuck science out the window each and every day, but cows? At a certain point that's just lazy design. In fact, many animals have this crucial weakness: llamas, camels, ostriches. Something called a Secretary Bird, which should not look the way it does if the big boss in the sky wasn't trying to confuse humans sexually. Many dog groomers actually recommend trimming your pet's super long lashes, which truly hurts to write considering how many human dollars lash extensions cost. A waste!

Additionally, men should not be allowed to have the kind of dark, dense, extra long eyelashes they often do have. This is for obvious reasons. It is simply ridiculous that this and only this form of body hair is traditionally desirable on women, when it's the only hair length we can't really control. The eye hairs that won't grow without diligent applications of Latisse are the pinnacle of beauty? Imagine if men woke up tomorrow and said, "Hey babe, wouldn't it be hot if you could grow a soul patch! XD" No. Take away their eyelashes, please.

Finally, it should go without saying that anyone putting aggressively long eyelashes on inanimate objects is an enemy to stubby lash havers everywhere. For the love of God why did Furby need falsies. Maybe it would have been fine if we had more than enough lash to go around—but we don't.

Please advise if any form of rectification for this issue may be possible, at your earliest convenience. Our mascara tubes are quite literally drying out as we wait.

Sincerely,
Team ITG

Photo via ITG