Welcome to Operation Goo Goo Gah Gah, a bi-weekly column by Ziwe Fumudoh where the comedian and writer tries everything under the sun in dogged pursuit of baby-smooth skin and the makeup to complement it. There is no shortage of promising products out there, but which actually work? Ziwe’s here to find out.

This week, I tried a series of moisturizers to find out which lotions could transform my skin from ashy to classy. Spoiler alert: all the lotions are great because you have to work really hard to make a bad lotion. Still, I owe it to the Goo Goo Gah Gah community to parse through these products and find the best of the best.

The line up:

Stratia Liquid Gold

This lotion has been hyped across the internet as the fountain of youth, and folks, I’m here to report that it does not disappoint. My face has not been chapped since I started regularly using Liquid Gold. In fact, my skin is smooth and soft like a silk pillowcase full of yogurt. Liquid Gold boasts highly scientific compounds like ceramides, cholesterol, and fatty acids. While I’m not entirely sure what these ingredients do to my face, I know that they’d be delicious on a salad. And that’s good enough for me, especially in tandem with a dewy finished look.

Kiehl’s Ultra Facial Cream

Y’all already know that I stan Kiehl’s products. I first encountered the Ultra Facial Cream at Equinox: a gym membership that was sparked by fitness and sustained by access to nice bathrooms in greater Manhattan. The fast absorbing Ultra Facial Cream rubs like lard on my ashy face. (To be clear, this is meant as the highest praise.) It’s easy to apply and it feels like my pores are being constantly massaged when I pair it with my Stratia Liquid Gold. The Kiehl’s face cream is an antidote to the dryness that a temperate New York winter brings. Let’s just say, I love this lotion and its succinct jar packaging as much as I hate global warming.

Sol De Janiero Coco Cabana Cream

I am the target audience for this lotion because it has the word “coco” in its name. As a Nigerian American, I have been socialized to believe that cocoa butter is as vital to my survival as air or oxtail. And even though it doesn’t technically have cocoa butter inside, this lotion still delivers. It’s thick, hydrating, and smells like a mix between coconut and, judging by the product’s name, what I assume are the scents of Brazilian beaches. I don’t really have much else to say about the Coco Cabana Cream as these are really all the things that I’m asking for from a moisturizer—my standards are low.

It Cosmetics Confidence in a Gel Lotion

This lotion describes itself as a hydra plumping, skin transforming, weightless moisturizer that offers confidence in every pump. Honestly, I don’t need a lotion to revolutionize my self esteem. I just want to manage my eczema. Are there really people asking for this much from a lotion? Why? Y’all need to lower your expectations and seek therapy because the only thing promised in this life is death, taxes, and frown lines.

—Ziwe Fumudoh

Photo via ITG