Welcome to Operation Goo Goo Gah Gah, where I begin the beauty process of aging in reverse like Gabrielle Union or a more thotty Benjamin Button. Apparently, confronting children about their skincare routine is both “unacceptable” and “criminal,” so I have decided to channel my energy into trying every beauty product on Earth until I can return to my glory days of getting carded at R rated movies. For the record, everything I know about the beauty industry I learned from America’s Next Top Model. This is why I don’t sleep in makeup and why I refer to myself in the third person. (Ziwe, you’re doing amazing sweetie!) Fortunately for y’all, I’ve had a face all my life, and what I lack in professional experience, I make up for in unwavering millennial confidence. Thus without further ado, here are the products I loved and hated based exclusively on whether they reversed the cruel hands of time.

Pixi Vitamin C Tonic

A good toner is very hard for me to find because I famously have dry skin as diagnosed by my rude dermatologist and my mirror. However, this toner felt like I was motorboating a cloud. It was gentle, it had a subtle sweet odor, and the packaging reminded me of Pine-Sol, which I equate with cleanliness. I have incorporated this product into my daily skin routine and I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before I get that casting call offering me the role of Hot Teen™ in Euphoria.

Odacité Bioactive Rose Gommage

I immediately gravitated towards this product because it says hyaluronic acid on the label. (Note: I will use anything with hyaluronic in the title because capitalism has convinced me that this is the ingredient I need to return my face to the days of yore). I was surprised that this product actually tightened my skin, making me look like I'd injected myself with so much Botox, even the cast of Vanderpump Rules would say, “Hey, that’s enough." I used this product as a mask rather than a gommage because I don’t know what a gommage is and I don’t feel like looking it up. Letting the mask dry and washing the slick gel off my face made me feel like I was caressing a baby’s ass... which means I’m one step closer to my goal of having an assface.

Pixi Vitamin C Caviar Balm

I know, another Pixi product! I had to include because this is amazing and I can’t believe I have spent my whole life without it. It smells like summer and it feels like I’m taking a bubble bath in yellow diamonds. While I’m not sure that my face needs brightening, I’m positive that my skin demands caviar. Get this.

Mario Badescu Seaweed Night Cream

This was the product I was most excited about as I constantly encounter it in all my rich friends’ apartments. And... that’s why I regret to inform you that this night cream did not fill the void in my heart. I love the brand and like that the lotion itself is green (like money!) but I personally need more hydration because my face is drier than the Sandman’s knuckles.

I’m on the search for the perfect eye cream folks. Please drop recommendations in the comments below. So far my favorite is Tarte, but I’m truly open to any product that’ll make me look doe-eyed like a Disney princess.

Apothecare phytoQUENCH Sleeping Face Mask

I won’t say that this night mask made my skin burn. Instead, I’ll say that it has packaging... beautiful packaging.

—Ziwe Fumudoh

Photo via ITG.