Diptyque candles! Those beautiful French jars of wax that communicate “bougie,” literally and socially. ITG loves ‘em, repurposes ‘em (exhibit A), and can hardly pronounce ‘em, let alone read ‘em. But the French language and unusual typography can only hold back a trio of New Yorkers with questionably fragranced apartments so far. In fact, Emily, Ashley, and Utibe were emboldened, and embarked on a mission: to rank every single Diptyque candle. All 45! A tough job for a group who only knows how to spell “Diptyque” by internally clocking “dip-tee-cue.”

We locked ourselves in the beauty closet for hours to complete this task. There was note-taking. There were metaphors and various analogies. Snacks and mediocre cappuccinos were consumed. In the end it was all worth it. A consensus was reached! And now behold: every Diptyque candle currently on the market, ranked.

44. Ambre: Woody, earthy, flowery, spicy. The opposite of the Coco Chanel maxim; definitely puts an extra thing on before leaving the house.

43. Santal: Surprisingly sweet. Santal 33 has requested a DNA test for authenticity purposes.

42. Chêne: Damp wood. Like walking into a house that’s been uninhabited for months.

41. Coing: Not-so-saccharine bubblegum.

40. Mimosa: A faint whiff of sea salt. Or unscented, depending on your proximity to the flame.

39. Coriander: Not as sexy as cilantro tbh.

38. Aubépine: Powder snow mixed with...earth? Dried flowers? Regardless, Ashley keeps calling this Au Bon Pain.

37. Thé: Smoky citrus. Points for label readability.

36. Noisetier: Mildly spicy nut milk. Yes, yes—oat milk is preferred.

35. Tubérose: Creamy, funky floral. Mocks flowers that are “commercial.”

34. Benjoin: Dark, earthy, and sweet. The Werther’s Original of candles.

33. Menthe Verte: Minty, but not bright. Think about it.

32. Géranium Rose: Ooooh, so that’s what geranium smells like!

31. Roses: Smells like how roses taste. Begging to go in a powder room.

30. Musc: Boss baby smell. Famously voiced by local celebrity, Alec Baldwin.

29. Feuille de Lavande: Dryer sheet lavender, but longer-lasting.

28. Violette: Floral, just like the name suggests. Good, but not an instant love, hence the ranking.

27. Jasmin: White floral. Described as voluptuous by Diptyque. Knows how to make an entrance either way you slice it.

26. Verveine: Classy lemon. Communicates the illusion of newly cleaned floors. Nice knowing ya, Swiffer!

25. Opopanax: They say balsamic. We say carbonated soda. Salads must taste like a party in France.

24. Cannelle: Cinnamon. As straightforward as it gets. Tied with Pomander.

24. Pomander: Potpourri. Who potpourri-ed in the bathroom?!?

23. Bois Ciré: Woody. The best part of yoga class: the end when the incense starts burning.

22. Mousses: Moss and wet concrete. You know what they say about mousses in your house. There’s never just one…

21. Foin Coupé: Soapy, with a whiff of grass and earth. Something Donatella Versace would wash her dishes with. Just kidding, Donatella doesn’t do dishes, silly!

20. Maquis: Wood and citrus. This is a pleasing scent, but it blends well into the background. Soundtrack, but make it olfactory related.

19. Patchouli: You’ve got an ad job! A classy patchouli to fragrance your mid-level executive apartment.

18. Muguet: Lily of the valley, which is a poisonous plant. Three points for drama!

17. Oranger: Orange and star anise. For the people who gift oranges in Christmas stockings...

16. Genevrier: Woody juniper. None of us really knows what juniper is though… Fresh laundry meets Vick’s Vapor Rub? Good enough.

15. Vétyver: Cedarwood and slightly floral. Cozy firewood, but not but not burn-your-house-down cozy firewood. 9/10 firefighters approve.

14. Cuir: Fancy leather. Like walking into my Hermès closet! —Lisa Vanderpump, probably

13. Choisya: Ashley says confidently, “This is tuberose.” (We looked it up, it’s orange blossom.)

12. Vanille: Very creamy, a little nutmeg, a little smoke. Unfortunately not fit for human consumption.

11. Baies: “It doesn’t smell like berries, and I deduct points for liars” —Emily “But we love it!” —Everyone else

10. Oyedo: Citrus. Grapefruit meets Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Refreshing!

9. Freesia: “Do I smell freesias? If I see freesias anywhere...” (Name that movie.)

8. Gardénia: Another white floral. Smells like fresh cut stems. Now isn’t that nice?

7. Eucalyptus: You’ll never guess what this one smells like…

6. Cyprès: Warm honey. Smells like how wearing a Rhode Resort dress feels.

5. Myrrhe: Amber resin. Now sing it with me: “I said now myrrhe, it’s cold in here, there must be some amber in the atmosphere.”

4. Oud: Your middle of the road oud. If you like it, you like it, if you don’t you don’t.

3. Figuier: Subtle fig. The scent of 8/10 beauty editors.

2. Tilleul: From the Linden tree, which is native to Tulum or Capri, probably. Oprah’s got this burning in her solarium as we speak.

1. Feu De Bois: The one and only. Burning logs that don’t smell burnt. Warmth in a candle. The inventor of winter. December through February wouldn’t be the same without it.

Photographed by Tom Newton.

More rankings, just for you. Next stop: Maison Christian Dior fragrances, followed by Tom Ford perfumes.