You learn a lot when you sit down to smell nearly 30 perfumes in one sitting. Mainly that you shouldn't smell them all in a row without a break unless you'd really like to get a headache and leave the session feeling like you just huffed glue for an hour and a half. The experience is made sweeter, however, knowing you did it in the service of our lord and savior Tom Ford, a man who revolutionized the fashion-brand-that-also-makes-beauty-products mold. No other product line makes the team at ITG drool as much as Mr. Ford's, particularly the Private Blend fragrances, all of which are listed below and ranked from "We like it!" to "Someone stole it from the beauty closet under the cover of night and now we can't find it." Names, top notes, accords, and bottle color were all taken into consideration. On your marks, set, rank!
28 Tobacco Oud: Starting off strong, with a dead thud of smoky tobacco and literally burning wood. (What did you expect?) For those who want to smell rich in every way, shape, and form.
27 Plum Japonais: Sweet, but with a heavy base. Nothing powdery here. Fancy dessert vibes.
26 Costa Azzura: A masculine entry. Honk if you like aftershave.
25 Fleur de Portofino: If you're into the neroli thing, keep reading...it only gets better.
24 Vert Boheme: Smells like cut grass without the Benadryl chaser. Very green—because, fun fact, vert means green en francaiseeeee.
23 Oud Fleur: Don't get tripped up by le fleur in the name, this one is very cigar-y. Appreciate it the same way you might appreciate someone else smoking a cigar—at a safe distance.
22 Tobacco Vanille: Just begging to be your Holiday Season Scent, without going full-on Christmas Tree. Creamy, cocoa-y, with a hint of fruit... Like if you Vitamix'd your panettone into your eggnog.
21 Patchouli Absolu: Stanky. But with a hint of nostalgia reminiscent of your grandparents' house.
20 Shanghai Lily: A reliable white floral that would transition well from season to season. Perhaps a good wedding scent!
19 Mandarino Di Amalfi: Don't overthink it. Sometimes a mandarin orange scent is just a mandarin orange scent. (Very fresh! Sweeter than neroli!)
18 Champaca Absolu: Of the magnolia family, if you didn't feel like googling that. So yes, it's a white floral, but not a knock-you-off-your-feet white floral. Think, subtler. More ladylike and less Bath & Body Works.
17 Vert de Fleur: The second Vert on this list is also grassy! But a bit powdery-er than last time.
16 Noir de Noir: Tom described this one as "A bold woman who isn't dusty." Just like you.
15 Café Rose: Does not smell like coffee, which is sort of what we were expecting. Instead, smells like rose soda—bubbly, fresh—which is the best thing to order when you're at a coffee shop but don't want to keep assaulting your system with caffeine.
14 Jasmin Rouge: A dominatrix of perfumes. At once floral and warmly spiced, both a night out and a night in, both caviar and apple pie. Summer and Winter. Spring and Fall. You get the picture.
13 Vert D’Ences: More Vert! And this one isn't just any grass—it's sweet grass! Good for those too allergic to partake in the earlier Vert entries.
12 Soleil Blanc: Endless summer in a bottle. Coconut, bananas, sun oil, sunscreen, and an Out Of Office auto-reply on your work email.
11 Oud Minerale: For any Oud lover who's grown a little tired of that warm, smoky, intoxicating note (how could you?), there is this drier take. Like switching from a Malbec to a Cabernet. At the end of the day, it's still red wine.
10 Venetian Bergamot: Think creamsicle—but a sexy creamsicle. This thrilling review, courtesy of Editorial Assistant Anna Jube.
9 Sole Di Positano: If Neroli Portofino is your After Dark, this is your Top Shelf. Oh, don't see Neroli Portofino on the list yet? Well, patience is a virtue...
8 Rive d'Ambre: "I can't smell anything anymore, but I think I like it." —Senior Editor Emily Ferber
7 Vert De Bois: One more Vert! No grass this time—more like a Christmas tree forest in the off-season.
6 Tuscan Leather: "Yeah, Tom Ford Tuscan Leather smellin' like a brick//
Degenerates, but even Ellen love our shit//
Rich enough that I don't have to tell 'em that I'm rich" —Drake
5 Oud Wood: A classic that could have been first, but that'd be too expected. It smells sort of like shoes. And we love shoes!
4 White Suede: A surprising front-runner, as the whole team collectively gasped in approval when sniffing. With descriptors like "supple, sensual" and "velvety and warm," it's peak Tom Ford.
3 Santal Blush: Sexy. Almost TOO sexy. But it is Tom Ford who once said, "When I come home, I take off all my clothes and wear no clothes until I leave. I eat naked. I do everything completely naked." So, sexy is definitely a relative term here.
2 Fucking Fabulous (limited edition, out Sept. 7): The newcomer shoots up to #2 based on name (and timeliness) alone. This fall, you'll be wearing a mix of leather, cashmere, Fruit of the Loom undershirts tailored to fit your body, and this fragrance.
1 Neroli Portofino: The winner by a longshot—we didn't even need to smell it to decide. Why? ITG LOVES NEROLI. Never forget it.
Photos by Tom Newton.
Craving more rankings? We did it for the Nars Lip Pencils, too.