Get Yourself An HBO Butt


Close your eyes for a moment and think about the perfect butt. What do you see? Tone? Volume? The Herculean ass of Khal Drogo staring back at you? Insecure's Y'lan Noel, making sweet love to Issa Rae on a leather couch? I don't mean to be explicit, so I'll stop there. You can open your eyes now, pervert.

The best butts can be found on HBO. Lauren Larson made the highly scholarly argument for that on—you can read her Westworld posterior doctorate here. HBO has been TV's nudity destination long before Oz was on the air, I suppose, as the de facto method of selling premium television to Americans everywhere. They're serving us the Golden Age of Television in 2017. They're also serving us some extremely unrealistic standards in the way of butts.

If you spend as much time as I do sitting and watching HBO, it's possible that your own butt is not in HBO shape. Maybe it is—no need to brag—but I'd encourage you to take a critical look behind you and ask yourself, truly and deeply, could you be cast on an edgy but millenial-friendly prestige television show? Be honest, and fear not if the answer is no. There are plenty of ways to achieve an HBO butt, depending on how much time you're willing to devote to the cause. Some suggestions:

No Effort: Nannette de Gaspé's Tush Mask

Well, it's a butt mask. Nannette de Gaspé led the dry mask movement when she launched her face and hand masks last year, championing reusable wraps that deliver hyaluronic and collagen deeper into the skin than wet sheets, for science reasons. She extends the line with two new conservatively named offerings for busts and tushes. The product itself is a series of sticky inserts you wear inside your underwear for about an hour at a time. They look like eye gels, but unlike those, these are SUPPOSED to puff. Ha-ha.

The results here are not dramatic whatsoever, but the products do work, and they have clinical trials to back them up. The whole regimen lasts a over a month in total: first every day for eight days, and then twice a week for four weeks. Sure, it's very simple, but it's not exactly a quick fix, either. The most discernible change here is in tone, not so much in volume. But three weeks in, the effects are noticeable. One co-worker complimented my butt twice, and although I'll omit her name for HR reasons, trust that the source was unimpeachable.

(It was Emily Ferber.)

Some Effort: The DB Method

For just south of $200, you can purchase the Method: a metal and wood half seesaw that folds up like a beach chair. Allegedly, it is one of Khloe Kardashian's favorite things. I'm going to let that item of trivia speak for itself.

There is one way to use the DB Method, and it is to squat on it. It does not lend itself to a range of ass-blasting acrobatic exercises; rather, it supports and enhances the one move that really does anything for your rear, which is squatting. But it allows you to really lean in to your squats by offering a supportive seat and handlebars. In fact, there's more than one way to squat with the DB—let's explore the ways:

  • Short pulsing movements in one of three zones—high, medium, and low. Guess which one burns the most severely?
  • Half-squats, from the mid to high zones, to warm up
  • Full squats, from high to as low as you can go

You can perform the above exercises in installments of one minute each, rest, and repeat. The recommended daily DB nets out to about 10 minutes, which is less than one percent of your day, four days a week. It will make you sore as hell, but in a good way. Three weeks gets you tautness (sorry) and volume—regular DB programming thereafter gets you Allison Williams on Girls.

Oh! One more thing: DB stands for "Dream Butt."

Lots of Effort: Squats! (Ugh.)

Squats are both free and the most reliable way to improve your assets, which is a pun I'm sure you did not see coming. If you do not have the assets of Khloe Kardashian, meaning money or booty, then heed the technique of Modelfit's "ass master" Javi Perez. He recommends taking it one glute at a time:

"Hinge at the waist, keep your knees above your ankles and sit into your heels. Squat into both glutes for 25 reps. Then shift your weight into the left foot, keeping your right heel off the ground and squat back into the left glute for 25. Repeat on the right side. Variations of small, pulsing and full range of motion squats will give your butt the lift it needs."

Three sets to do while Veep is on. Like commercial breaks, but less fun.

—Brennan Kilbane

Photo via ITG.

Squats not your thing? Get a better behind without any of those.