'I have a lot of products because it's just fun—some people don’t treat themselves to those things. If you’re going to come over and hang out, why don’t we all just do a facial? I’ll take a pair of tights, cut off the legs, and use that to hold our hair back. Then we just sit around, mask, and have a conversation. Everyone feels great when they leave, and it inspires them to take care of themselves and do something.

I’m pretty low-maintenance, but I do like the home remedy stuff, and I do love a good mask and a good lotion. Nothing really makes me feel sexy—I don’t usually go for sexy. Those days are gone. I mean, I always feel healthier when I have a tan, I guess I’d say that—the sun feels really good and you can feel it in your bones, but I don’t think I could live somewhere where it’s sunny all the time like LA. I like the seasons, and I like changing products for them.

SKINCARE

Growing up I was big on Vaseline and Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour Cream. At one point, I was in a show where I had to look like I was sweating every night. I applied that all over my face so it would glisten on stage. By the end of the run, my skin was flawless. Now I use oils instead—I went on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon recently, and the makeup artist turned me onto some new face oils. I use The Organic Pharmacy's Virgin Cold Pressed Rose Hip Oil, which is great because it has frankincense in it, or the Jāsön Vitamin E 45,000 IU Maximum Strength Oil at night—that one is much cheaper. Then I go over it with La Roche-Posay's Toleriane Riche that I get at a drugstore. It’s affordable, and a dermatologist told me to use it. I used to go to Dr. Colbert, but I don’t really have a dermatologist right now. I like his stuff and trust him, though.

My favorite thing is to do to my face is a steam with Swiss Kriss Herbal Laxative Flakes. You get a pot and fill it with water, boil it, and put the flakes in it. It steams up, so I put a towel over my head and sit right here on my couch and hover over it. It’s a pain to do it every night for like three nights in a row, but if I feel like I need to do it, I do it. I get the flakes at a health foods store—the box is not even $8. The steam opens your pores and cleans them out. You also notice your digestion get better. It doesn’t give you diarrhea or anything like that, but after I did it for three days, I just felt cleaner. It kind of moves things along.

I use apple cider vinegar and baking soda for a lot of things, too. Sometimes I mix baking soda with water and make a paste—that's a good exfoliator. I'll use apple cider vinegar as a toner. I'll also use it with my favorite mask—the Aztec Secret Indian Healing Clay. It’s powder that you put it in a bowl—the directions are on the back. Add apple cider vinegar or water to it and mix, mix, mix 'til it's smooth, then cake it on your face. You'll feel your face pulsate like it’s on fire. It’s very messy, but you wouldn’t believe what it pulls out of your face. If you have sensitive skin, the Mario Badescu Cucumber Tonic Mask is soothing. I'll use that one if I'm at the beach. I also think the Glamglow Supermud Clearing Treatment is good. It’s strong, but I like the strong stuff.

A friend of mine turned me onto this Jeune d’Age Organics Anti-Aging Serum. I only have one left. It comes in these little packets, and I need to order some more. I love this brand, Tatcha. I think I heard about it on QVC, and I’m really happy with it. I’m currently using their Supple Moisture Rich Silk Cream and their Luminous Deep Hydration Firming Serum. Both products are really good. The same girl I met when I did Jimmy Fallon turned me onto this Embryolisse Artist Secret Radiant Eye, but I think I find Kiehl’s Facial Fuel Eye De-Puffer nicer.

I also got into the Clarisonic, which I think is a good deal. I use it with La Roche-Posay's Cleansing Milk. I used to only use water on my face, but I started using soap when I moved to New York because the city is so dirty.

BODY

Since I was a kid, I've gotten in the habit of putting on lotion head-to-toe—lotion, lotion, lotion...plus lip stuff. I use Lubriderm Daily Moisture Lotion because it’s big and hospitals use it. Now that it's summer, I like using Skin Trip's Mountain Ocean Coconut Moisturizer or Epicuren's Kukui Coconut After Bath Moisturizer. I’m always changing my body lotion. And then there's hand cream—I go through a lot of that. This Santa Maria Novella Crema Per Le Mani is my favorite, but I also have Herbacin's Kamille Hand and Nail Balm because it's got glycerin in it. I don’t know why glycerin is so good, but I like the thickness of that, and I blame it on the glycerin.

Anytime after a bath or shower, I’ll butter up—and I take a bath pretty much every night. I love this Greek store Taradise. They sell beautiful products like this Body Butter with Mastiha Oil and Red Grape. This Dr. Mercola Organic Body Butter in Lavender is nice, too, especially in the winter.

PROCEDURES

I haven’t done anything to my face like fillers or Botox, but it’s fine if people want to do that. For me, if you’re trying to do something that doesn’t look obvious, why are you even doing it? I went to a party recently and two people that had just moved to New York were talking, and I had no idea who they were—I’m not exaggerating. I was looking at them, and I was thinking, 'You look like a kitten. You look like nothing and cancel each other out.' Then when I heard their voices, I was like, 'Oh my God. I know you!' Their hair was dyed, their faces just disappeared—they looked fantastic, but it just canceled out their features so nothing stood out. I’m just afraid I would get it and just want more and more and more. But who knows? Maybe 10 years from now I’ll want some voodoo done, and I’ll like it.

MAKEUP

I don’t like taking makeup off, and that’s why I don’t like putting it on. I apply lipstick the same way I did in high school—especially if I’m doing stage makeup—but that's just because I still do everything wrong, and all of my makeup is old. I use Revlon's Super Lustrous Lipstick in Love That Red on my lips. Then I have this Clarins Ombré Minérale Eyeshadow in Platinum—I don’t know, I just put it on. For my eyebrows, I use The Precision Pencil by Kevyn Aucoin and then go over it with Kiss Lash and Brow Wonder Lift. Then for eyeliner, I'm on my last stick of La Prairie's Luxe Eye Liner Automatique—I’ve got to get a new one.

I’m always so tired and have circles under my eyes, so I use either Roxanne Rizzo's Madison Avenue Light to Medium Concealer, Clé de Peau Beauté's Concealer, or Yves Saint Laurent's Touche Éclat. I don’t use them together, but I pick the one I'm using that day based on the coverage I want. If I'm going to an event, before I put on concealer, I'll use these Skyn Iceland Hydro Cool Firming Eye Gels under my eyes.

If I have a red carpet, I’ll just do my own hair and makeup and pull something out of my closet to wear—that’s just the way I am. I have to go to a fancy party in August, and I’m going with a friend who wants to hire hair and makeup people. I told her I'd do it for us instead. Yeah, I've never done it professionally, but I decided that it’ll be a fun thing to do. I went on YouTube once and saw this girl doing her smoky eyes. I was going out that night and decided to watch this how-to video like 'How do you put on makeup?' You'd think I would know by now. I did it and wore it to the event, but it just didn’t make me feel special or anything. I wonder how people feel when they get home and take it all off. But it’s not as if I don’t really enjoy some of the work makeup artists do. Kevyn Aucoin was amazing to work with because his fingers were like big sausages, you know? He was an unbelievably talented guy. Kevyn Aucoin doing all of that was probably the most glamorous thing I've had done—he taped my face back just so he’d have a flat surface to work with. He taped it all up and made me look like Angie Dickinson.”

—as told to ITG

Amy Sedaris photographed by Tom Newton on June 22, 2015.

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