There are certain unavoidable truths in this life:
- If a TikTok video starts with “apparently this filter shows what you’d look like if…" what will follow will be the most absurd thing you’ve ever seen.
- Corn Pops begin going stale before you open the box.
- LaserShip will lie about your delivery being attempted.
- If a character exists, there will be a “sexy” Halloween costume version of it.
Some egregious examples I’ve seen include Sexy Dexter’s Laboratory, Sexy Corn on the Cob, Sexy Met Gala Kardashian, Sexy Squid Game Guard, and because little is sacred—Sexy Essential Worker or Sexy Vaccine.
Well, what if you have an allergy to polyester thongs? You can still get participation points. It all boils down to a simple question: What are you doing on Halloween?
Parking it on the couch
Please reference my scary movie guide before proceeding. They don’t teach you this in school, but sometimes, by Halloween evening, Reese’s pumpkins are already on sale.
On a date
Bold. I like it. Swap your black mascara for something celebratory. Blue mascara is more wearable than it seems! (If you have hooded eyes, it’s a great way to go for a pop of color if your mobile lid is hidden when you look forward.) Also, it can help make your eyes look brighter like you just put in whitening drops.
“When is Halloween?”
Sounds like someone is having an early night! I cannot shut up about this Loftie alarm clock, and it sounds like you’d like it too. This beautiful glass sculpture comes preloaded with a night light, several shades of white noise, nature sounds (my favorite is Mountain Top), breathing exercises, and a two-stage alarm system. The first alarm to ease you awake and the second to tell you to get up. When I was in college, I set my alarm clock to play Party in the U.S.A. Over a decade later, my heart still drops when it begins playing on shuffle. Learn from my mistakes.
Out to dinner with friends
Throw on glitter. Spacepaste in Houdini is tops. Just a bit, tapped on your eyelids and maybe glazed across your cheeks. From one angle, it is invisible. Turn your head ever so slightly, and it flashes, like lightning, a vibrant blue-violet. Glitter isn’t exactly known for being inconspicuous, wearable, or easy to apply. This one is. (And, yes—in case you were wondering—it is the glitter from Euphoria.)
Just around the corner for a quick Shirley Temple
Many folks think of press-on nails like an iPhone after a new model is announced—mere moments away from going kaput. I say you use that to your advantage and just wear them for the night. These days, the design options include an approximation of a Cavalli gown, a taxi cab, and holographic Jordan almonds. There’s even an untapped market of precious handmade nails on Etsy. How fun does it sound to stick them on and drag your finger down a page of a phone book?
“I have work tomorrow, Or.”
Fair. Try this Discoskin from Comme Deux. This iridescent face mask is an ideal treatment for this time of year because it exfoliates and moisturizes—all while being camera-friendly. Slather it on and take thousands of photos of yourself. You just saved yourself a cover charge and a would-be zit from clown greasepaint—what a treat.
—Or Gotham
Photo via Amazon
