Welcome to Operation Goo Goo Gah Gah, a bi-weekly column by Ziwe Fumodoh where the comedian and writer tries everything under the sun in dogged pursuit of baby-smooth skin and the makeup to complement it. There is no shortage of promising products out there, but which actually work? Ziwe’s here to find out.

I’ve been on this beauty journey for some time now and I have yet to have a waiter, hostess, or even bartender mistake me for Skai Jackson. I’m not saying that the products I’ve tried up until this point have been ineffective, but they are not giving me the results I want (read: a baby face) at the pace I want it (read: now). Nevertheless, I persist. Because, I don’t do this for me. I do this for all the middle-aged adults that are concerned with frown lines. Let’s get to the beauty products I love, hated, and felt absolutely nothing about because of the vacuous hole in my heart.

This Works Deep Sleep Night Oil

The sweet smell of chamomile and lavender soothe me, but I’d have to remove a rib to use this product as intended, which is as a full body massage oil. Unless you’re incredibly flexible, you’ll need the help of a lover or the sensual touch of an incredibly nurturing roommate willing to massage your lower back. I, unfortunately, have nary a friend nor foe to complete this therapeutic nighttime ritual on the grounds that it’s “too intimate” and “not fun”. Thus, I’m saving this deep sleep oil for my future partner or a consenting Task Rabbit. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great. My only qualm is that the romantic partner is sold separately.

Henné Lipstick in Intrigue

This organic lipstick is so hydrating. Wearing it makes my lips feel like they are made of butter. Come to think of it… I can’t believe it’s not butter...

Marc Jacobs O!Mega Glaze All-Over Luminizer in Showstopper

A standard highlighter fit for wherever you’d like to paint gold undertones on your body. Personally, I like to apply highlighter on my collarbones as a way to make them look more pronounced so I can ward off any perceived threats. I learned this technique while reading National Geographic.

Nars Climax in Explicit Black

This longwear mascara is not waterproof, however it is proof that I still have long gorgeous eyelashes like a camel. (Do you see what I did there?)

Diorific Long-Wear Lipstick in Dream

Here lies a lipstick that’s impeccably packaged in a gold jewel case. It reminds me of a Charlie’s Angel weapon: something that looks like a lipstick but can also be utilized as a machete in a pinch. And once you open the lipstick, it’s even more impressive. The actual shade is encrusted with what appears to be the Hope Diamond (feel free to fact check me on this!). It is so luxe and couture that my only concern is that it’ll come to life just to tell me I’m a broke boy.

What are some of the perfectly packaged products you have in your makeup and skincare routine? Drop in the comments below. Until next time!

—Ziwe Fumudoh

Photo via ITG.