Welcome back to Point/Counterpoint—everybody's favorite, intermittent beauty debate column. Given this showdown only comes around once in a blue moon, let's have the big conversations. Let's figure out which category reigns supreme: hair or makeup. On one side of the aisle, we have early-bird-gets-the-worm and Senior Editor Ashley Weatherford. On the other is Emily Ferber, our Editorial Director who's never scheduled a shower she hasn't actively tried to reschedule. This is Point/Counterpoint. Fists up, folks. We're about to sling some mud.
Point, from Emily: If you have to shower at all (and maybe you don't—but for the record, I do on occasion), you should shower at night. Deep down, everybody knows this and their fervent dedication to the morning shower is only out of self-preservation and deeply seated shame. The ladies doth protest too much. Because, and we all know this but I'm just the one who has to say it, the morning shower is the ultimate symbol of The Man. Why are you showering in the morning? Oh! Because you have to go to WORK. For The Man. I don't care what sort of hippy-dippy newfangled startup you work for (present company excluded), you still work for The Man because he pays you a decent enough wage and maybe throws in some benefits and hopefully there's "free" air conditioning in the summer. You've gone soft in your old age, I can tell.
Something happens when we hit high school (which, BY THE WAY, is still structured in the factory system to create docile subjects who respond to bells like cattle every 42 to 50 minutes). We think, "Oh, I guess I need to get my ass up even earlier to look presentable. Do even more to ready myself in a socially acceptable way for this daily task I am legally obligated to complete." And then it just stuck. You carry that with you through college, through jobs, through major life events. When all the while, YOU KNOW that showering in that warm, warm water with that lovely lavender Dr. Bronner's bottle makes you oh so sleepy. Just super ready to get into your clean sheets and take a little snooze. Ah it feels so good, doesn't it? Yes, I can tell you agree, comrade. If there's ever going to be any progress in our society, it's our job—nay, our duty!—to stop this morning showering madness. And get the best sleep of your life. Trust me on that one.
Counterpoint, from Ashley: Three hundred years ago, a guy who you just know was FED UP with all of the B.O. in his life patented the first hand pump shower. I shudder! No—gasp! At how you’ve desecrated the fruits of his labor. Night showers? NIGHT SHOWERS?!? I get it if this is residual behavior from your childhood, but this insanity must end. Given that I am typing this directly across the table from you, I can see that you are, in fact, an adult human who does human things: breathe, blink, and experience great internal angst over the status of your Seamless order. (The estimated delivery time is always wrong! When will we learn???). But it’s the sweating that I’m mostly worried about. Like other people with glands, I perspire—occasionally. Sometimes I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and feel a light dew on the nape of my neck. Doesn’t stress me out, though. Come morning it’ll get washed off—in my shower, which incidentally, also does a good job of waking me up. I believe it was Oprah or Beyoncé or Michelle Obama who once said that a morning shower is nature’s Red Bull. How are YOU getting it together at 7 AM? Matcha?
Now I must address the elephant in the room. At the end of a long day—particularly in the summer when I’m in shorts and sandals—I recognize that some of the dirt from the city follows me home and into bed. But like Jax Taylor when questioned over fidelity, I too can warp basic logic at will. The city dirt is probably just fine; no germs or biohazards formed against me shall prosper. And then in the morning I’ll be super clean again. Impervious to end-of-day stinky stank. There’s no other way to go about life.
Photographed by Tom Newton.