In order to continue living, I have a ritual that I must perform daily—no matter where I am or if it is a bank holiday. Actually, I do it twice a day. Once in the bathroom on my lunch break at work, where I can't be disturbed, and also right before I go to bed, because I can't fall asleep without doing it. That ritual is watching Fergie's "Milf Money" (stylized: M.I.L.F $) music video, objectively the best piece of cinema to be made in the past 100 years. (And you thought it was Citizen Kane!)
"Milf Money" is a never-ending spectacle of sponsored merriment. In it, Amber Valletta runs for public office; latex lingerie is worn almost exclusively; Fergie displays her acting range with roles like "Sexy Waitress", "Sexy Parent", and "Predatory Substitute Teacher"; Jon Kortajarena. The whole thing is the visual equivalent of getting whipped-cream-vodka-blasted with your girls at the pre-game and it is perfect. If you disagree with this, that's OK! But you're wrong. Upper left corner to close window.
The song is...not amazing. But that's not what we're talking about. My only quality standard for music video is spectacle, and "M.I.L.F $" is Candyland. I credit this in part to Isamaya Ffrench, makeup high priestess and personal idol, who lent her affinity for high glamour to the project. When it comes to music videos, pageant is paramount—case in point, the MTV Video Music Awards. If you want to talk about music artistry, meet me back here in February.
The VMAs return this Sunday, and "M.I.L.F $" is not nominated for Video Of The Year, which is extremely rude. (You win the VMA of my heart, Fergie!) In lieu of a "Best Hair and Makeup" category, I thought I'd open it up to you guys to impart your favorite beauty moments in music videos past and present. Feel free to share your own VMA predictions too, especially for Video Of The Year, which will absolutely be Formation.
Screengrabs via "M.I.L.F. $".