Apocalypse? There's A Cream For That


Worried about the end of days *? Shockingly, you're not alone. America’s strange and thriving apocalypse survival industry rakes in mountains of dough selling fear MREs, water purification systems, weapons, and generators—items one might expect to find on a survivalist’s checklist. Just as lucrative, though perhaps lesser known, are the health and wellness offerings available on the prepper market. Here’s how to stock your mobile medicine cabinet for when TSHTF (ICYMI: that’s prepper parlance for when “the shit hits the fan”). Ready? Let’s prep!

** _Home/Natural Remedies

_**Two words for you: baking soda. Come the apocalypse, you’ll probably be pretty busy repelling marauders and eating bark, but keeping a box of Arm & Hammer handy will ensure a) your teeth are clean b) your breath is fresh c) your bits are dry. Indispensable. Sun exposure is also of chief concern, but heavy bottles of lotion are dead weight when you’re hoofing it to the safe house. Solution: mud packs work well as natural sunscreen (also, camouflage and pore minimizer!). Olive and coconut oils are touted for emollient qualities, should you find yourself hungry, dry-skinned, and able to barter for a jar on the road.

If you’re planning on hunkering down instead of buggin’ out, NatGeo’s Doomsday Castle series highlights the value of a survival garden—where medicinal plants and herbs are grown alongside produce. Cucumbers can be pressed to make toner, chamomile and aloe soothe skin, bananas condition hair, etc.

** _Supplements

_**While on the hunt for NPR one morning (I know, I know, what a commie/I am doomed), my radio dial happened upon an ad for Survival Shield X2 “next level proprietary nascent iodine” on conspiracy mogul Alex Jones’ Infowars station. Perplexed by both the ad’s panic-inducing background music and my ignorance of even the most basic, first level nascent iodine, I listened on. “Developed from 200 million year old salt solutions found more than 7000 feet below the surface of the earth…” it continued. Takeaway: nascent iodine restores VITALITY, which you are most definitely lacking. In the government-sponsored, fluoride-fueled shadow war for your thyroid, a dropperful of this solution is your best line of defense. Don’t trust Infowars? (Alex Jones would probably be proud.) There’s always Heritage Store’s Atomodine solution. Based on early 20th century mystic/holistic medicine pioneer-Edgar Cayce’s formula, it is apparently made from sea kelp that’s not all that old and can be found floating above the earth’s surface.

Libido lagging as the world turns to ash around you? Consider Super Female Vitality. This lady did.

** _Cosmetics

_**In this somewhat contested sub-category of survivalist hygiene, the eternal question centers on whether or not lipstick should be counted as an “essential.” For when your needs are more tactical than ornamental, military supplier Rothco sells camouflage face paint compacts to suit a variety of outdoor environments.

Survivor Jane is the leading authority on prepper beauty. Her recently released Where There Is No Cosmetic Counter: How Not to Look Like a Zombie-Even After the End of the World As You Know Itis a volume on the redemptive power of post-apocalyptic cosmetics. During the darkest of times, she suggests, it’s often our most non-essential belongings that bring light. Plus, as apartmentprepper points out, lipstick can alternatively be used to scrawl distress messages on windows or as payment for barter. So save those tubes, ITGers, they just might save your life.

Recommended Viewing:

- Troop Beverly Hills

- The Walking Dead

- Doomsday Preppers

- Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (upcoming on Netflix)

*In the event of actual end of days/continuation of regular ol’ days, ITG recommends NONE of the products mentioned in this article.

—Lauren Maas

Photos by Ben Jurgensen.