Remember the time you bought your first nice handbag? You studied the display, tried it on, decided where your cellphone would go (even though it would always just end up somewhere in the bottomless black abyss), and told the eager saleswoman that this was the one. Then she brought out your version—boxed, tissue-papered and inside of another bag. A bag with its own bag! A logo'ed “dust bag' to protect the nice bag from the evil known as “dust.” Because when you think of expensive handbags, it's not ballpoint pens or an intoxicated friend with a lit cigarette you're worried about—you're sitting there biting your nails as you glance over to see if any specs of dust may have floated onto your bag while it sits in your closet. It could accumulate, like, six microscopic dust bunnies in the span of just three hours! And then what? You'd have to just pray they'd somehow come off.
Just as puzzlingly unnecessary, but essential to your luxury purchase experience, are those tiny spoons that come with jars of fancy creams. They add to the packaging and opening experience—a little relic from the La Prairie factory in Godknowswhere. The idea is that you'll use it to portion out a small quantity of moisturizer without spoiling the entire jar with your finger filth. However, scientific studies show that nobody in the history of the universe has ever done this.
So, in lieu of cream globbing, why don't you...
-Use it for portion control. Every red-blooded, grocery checkout tabloid-reading American knows that the star secret to losing a few pounds is eating with utensils meant for babies. Think of what utter restraint you'd exhibit as you eat your breakfast cereal with an eye-cream spoon.
-On that note, how fun are those tiny sample spoons they give you at the gelato store? The only reason you sample is so that you can use the tiny spoon instead of the clunky human-sized spoons that come with your two scoops. It really helps you savor the melty goodness and absolutely affects flavor. Recreate the gelato-store experience at home with the spoon from your favorite lifting cream.
-Ever wondered what it means when a recipe calls for a “pinch' of something? Somewhere in the depths of the internet you'll find that a “pinch' correlates exactly to the hollowed area of the Omorovicza Gold Eye Lift spoon.
-Clay sculpting is a fun, stress-relieving activity that allows you to explore your artistic prowess. Hey, you might even make something useful, like a paperweight. The spatula-shaped spoons are especially perfect for helping to shape and add detail to your designs.
-The little slanted shovels are perfect for filling small holes in the walls of your American Girl doll house. For when you rearrange the tiny art hanging on the tiny walls.
-'Zen rock gardens' are the technical term for those little boxes of sand with the tiny rakes, which insurance salespeople keep on their desks—but how are you supposed to make a sandcastle? Grab a moisturizer spoon to scoop, the plastic cap of your face mist as a bucket, and a little water from the tap to bind the sand, and start building!
-Did you somehow end up with a tin of caviar? Buy some wine, call your best friend, and queue up Netflix—but before she digs in with a saltine, hand her a small moisturizer spoon and remind her that that shit's expensive.
-You honestly never know when you'll have to nurse a baby sugar glider back to health. Which is why you should always keep a moisturizer spoon at the ready, along with chicken tiny-noodle soup.
Photos by Mathea Millman.