Ever notice that to completely stupefy a (straight, human) male, all you need to do is get him to touch you, then be insanely, aggressively soft when he does? It's great for when you want to win Twister or make someone forget you just ate the last cronut. And luckily, obtaining skin so silky that just looking at you makes people slightly dizzy is superlatively simple. So join me, won't you, on the path to distracting suppleness? Start by:
How much skin do you have? TOO MUCH, probably. That's why, first thing, you should remove all dermis that has ever seen daylight. The method's up to you: DIY sugar scrub, old coffee grounds, glycolic acid, whatever. Is all your skin gone now? Good; let's move along...
Turn Yourself Into a Human Veal Parm
Harry Brant once told us about his favorite trick for getting the softest skin ever: Drench yourself in moisturizer, mummify your extremities in Saran wrap, and go for a light jog. I'd just been slathering myself in whatever was on hand, but finally decided to try a bunch of body lotions to see which ones give the best results. Top honors go to L'Occitane Shea Butter Ultra Rich Body Cream, because it's a non-greasy but heavy hydrator. Clinique Deep Comfort Body Butter and Moroccanoil Body Butter also score high marks for their tenderizing/moisturizing abilities, and L'Occitane Milk Concentrate provided the most ounce-for-ounce smoothening magic.
Now protect your investment by...
Destroying All Cotton
Listen up, hippies: cotton is the ENEMY. It dries out your skin—just think about what happens when you wrap a towel around your body. Your cotton clothes are doing the exact same thing all day, every day, so slowly that you don't even notice they're sapping your softness powers. Did you need another reason to wear nothing but lycra leggings and pleather? Well then, you are welcome. The same thing goes for your sheets and pillows; satin isn't going to absorb moisture and turn you into a desiccated shell of your former self. If you wanted to be really dedicated to the cause, you could just go all the way and start wearing nothing but neoprene wetsuits.
Just how committed are you to this moisture thing? If your answer was “Completely,” then let's talk about...
Living In Florida
See, humidity is great for your skin's hydration levels. So if you want to become your very best self, you will move to a swamp. Sure, the only viable candidates for your softness abilities may be alligators and Dexter, but you will have the reptile/serial killer market cornered. And isn't finding your niche what life's all about?
Photos by Mathea Millman.