Welcome to Operation Goo Goo Gah Gah, a bi-weekly column by Ziwe Fumodoh where the comedian and writer tries everything under the sun in dogged pursuit of baby-smooth skin and the makeup to complement it. There is no shortage of promising products out there, but which actually work? Ziwe’s here to find out.
Hello again ITG, and thank you for continuing to enable my most scientifically impossible pursuits. I look forward to experiencing this skincare journey with y’all as I learn to love the skin I’m in only if said skin is that of an adolescent. I’ve lived another two weeks on this increasingly hot Earth, which means I’ve made more attempts to reverse the long term effects of time. So let’s hop right to it: Here are the products I loved and hated based exclusively on whether they made me look (or feel) 19.
In all honesty, I have no clue what serums do other than smell good. (If you have any recommendations for serums that’ll change my life, please share in the comments below.) With that being said, I enjoyed this product because the way it went on slick and smooth made me feel like Christina Milian in the Dip It Low music video. If that’s not enough of an endorsement, consider that Herbivore supports a noble cause by donating $1 for every sale of Prism to The Trevor Project.
I was immediately attracted to this product because it’s green and makes me look like Jim Carrey in The Mask. But this product is no show pony—it serves a real function. The process is simple: apply the mask, let it dry, and your pores clear up like a Williamsburg party that’s run out of artisanal cheeses.
I have yet to find a shade of pink lipstick that works with my complexion. Folks, after trying this one, I regret to inform you all that I’m still searching.
I adore this perfume which perfectly encapsulates sweetness and feminine musk. I would liken this odor to the warm embrace of a lover—or, perhaps, a teenage crush. And since my career can’t spoon me while I sleep, I spray this scent every night before I go to bed so I don’t feel alone. 10/10. Would have sex with this perfume if I could.
This mask is so amazing that for a brief fleeting moment I thought I had submerged myself in a vat of honey. Let’s just say Star Skin Pro Platinum is not your grandmother’s face mask—it’s a cool mask. It's not water based, it’s kale based… which… what does that even mean? Isn’t kale a vegetable and aren’t all vegetables made of water? This seems like basic science, but OK. Because I’m still an urban-dwelling woman in her mid-20s, anything that has kale as an ingredient has my vote of confidence. The instructions are rather complicated, compared to most masks I've tried, but it's all worth it when you take it off and your skin is smoother than a tadpole. First, I rolled the 10% mandelic acid jumbo peeling swab along my face which felt both pointless and important. Then I applied the silver sheet mask and I became the Silver Surfer. When I peeled it off, I had gorgeous, youthful, clear skin—OK, maybe it’s not that complicated.
Photo via ITG