Ah, junior high: a simpler time. It seems that as adults we've managed to complicate every part of life, even ones we should find pleasurable. Take shopping for makeup—remember days spent not stressing so much about making these “informed decisions?” Remember buying foundation not based on the aggregate knowledge from three pages of MakeupAlley reviews, but because it came in a turquoise compact and had a sponge? And for the shade you chose Honey over Sand based on absolutely nothing whatsoever? Nail polish was purchased because it came with a ring, and for blush it was always, “Screw it, cheeks are what shimmery terracotta bronzer is for?”
There's an element of fun that's lost when you get caught up in every clinical-sounding detail of the makeup shopping experience. I try to concern myself with things like comedogenics, wear time, silicones, petroleum by-products, my actual skin tone, calories...but mostly I'm like, “Oh word, is that glitter?” Such was the case with Maybelline Crystal Baby Lips. The chunky stick of the glitter-flecked Pink Quartz lip balm reminds me of hot pink jelly sandals with a delicate sparkle finish that's very sheer and quite shiny. It made my lips feel like slippery baby seals and smell like watermelon Jolly Ranchers. Never mind that I have to reapply often throughout the day, I like a good mindless ritual that gives me something to do on a long elevator ride. The pink plastic tube and clear cap are reminiscent of a Caboodles kit, plucking what was apparently some deep-seated, long-forgotten nostalgia nerve like a freaking banjo.
Apparently it's meant to moisturize first and foremost—and my lips have felt pretty great recently—but I'm more interested in the fact that there's a version of Baby Lips that comes in yellow. Plus I have this sudden preoccupation with one-shoulder tops with lettuce edging and an overpowering urge to mortify my parents. Now that, you guys, is an anti-aging product.