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This Body Oil Is the Only Vacation I Can Afford RN


There are a lot of body oils out there now, calling for you to slather them on your buns and then fling yourself down the slip’n’slide. You know that’s a good idea. And Romantic Call, by the new and natural brand Balmyard Beauty, is the sweet smell of summer ‘17: jasmine and sand, frosé and coconut popsicles, waterproof iPhones and jelly sandals. And if you do elect to slip'n'slide, being oiled from head to toe will certainly help.

Normally I consider a “romantic call” a texted photo of a raw rib-eye, but apparently it’s more like a floral roll in the sand with your surf instructor. Romantic Call is beachy without the sunscreen and skin cancer, floral without the booby embrace of your grandmother. There’s a nice balance of luxury perfume to #vanlife, and that’s a rare thing to come by in beauty. Either you’re full glamsquad or hippie supreme. I want to be both! (The price however, at $82 a bottle, is not so thrifty. Costs a lot to smell this cheap.)

The deets: Coconut, shea, and sweet almond butters. Jasmine, rose, and a mystery fragrance that’s basically the bottled scent of an out-of-office Carribean vacation instagram. It’s potent—I don’t need to wear perfume with it, but if I do, it’s Bond No. 9’s Fire Island for extra beach effect—and it lasts all day, or all night if you’re a person who does “nightlife”. For bonus points, Balmyard sources “key botanical and raw ingredients” directly from local sources in Jamaica, and then gives back a portion of proceeds to the community. I know that’s vague and leaves a lot of room for nuance, but it’s more of a mission than most lotions.

And if you’re an oil fan already, you’re probably familiar with the bottle conundrum. Either the top has that little stopper so that you have to shake out a few drops at a time, or there’s nothing, and oil pours out like glass bottle diner ketchup. Ahh, too much! Balmyard's pack tends toward the latter, but in this case it’s a good thing—I always find skin that can soak it up (usually on my butt). It's so good, you'll never want it to end.

Unfortunately, this stuff is in such high demand that it's currently on backorder. But they’re expecting a new batch soon, so you can pre-order. Patience is a virtue, or whatever. [Crucial update: It's back and you can buy it now!]

—Alex Beggs

Photographed by the author.