We’re Going On A Novelty Sex Food Cleanse


Hello! Your friendly neighborhood beauty editors Elizabeth and Lacey here. Welcome to our very special, very sexy Valentine's Day post, and congratulations on making it to yet another February 14th without being murdered by that sociopath Cupid (why has no one arrested a naked man who goes around shooting people with rusty, outdated weapons yet? I blame de Blasio).

Valentine's is a day of magic, flowers, and ill-considered attempts to have creative intercourse. Many of these involve "food" products, and many of these "food" products are currently in our office. Today, in honor of our affection for you, dear reader, the two of us will go where no humans outside a Moonlite Bunny Ranch trailer have gone before, and attempt to spend the next 24 hours consuming only edible adult novelty products—a well-balanced diet of gummie underpants, candy nipple tassels, gag-suppression mints, a whole bunch of lubes (we needed something low carb), and more toothsome delights from the back room at Fantasy World.

We're going to need your help choosing what to try, though—these mint condoms aren't just going to chew themselves! We're live-tweeting our experience all day (and updating here, too!), so your advice, input, and (affectionate) ribbing are much appreciated.

First things first, though: What should we have for breakfast?... Nipple Tassels or Rum Pina Colada Bra and Panty Set?

UPDATE: We were really hungry, so... we ate both.

Edible Underwear (Regular "Fabric")
Lacey: "These taste like a compostable garbage bag made of poison!"

Candy Nipple Tassels
Elizabeth: "Perhaps the safest option... obviously the most familiar. Perfect if you're looking for a bizarrely sexualized take on your favorite childhood candy."


Flavored Condoms (kinda like gum, right?)
Elizabeth: "They didn't taste terrible; there's no real way to avoid slimy fingers, though, which is never fun. But I always appreciate a pop of color!"

Lacey: "These remind me of unhappiness. In college, people would always take all the regular condoms the minute the RAs restocked, so then if you were really in need, there were never any except mint-flavored ones, which are the WORST CONDOMS EVER. They're not lubricated—in fact they're powder-coated for her displeasure—that "cool, tingling sensation" is actually just pain, and they are by far the worst-fitting prophylactics on the market. If you bring flavored condoms to a hookup, I hope all you want is a blow job. Your date is not gonna be grateful enough for the fresh breath to let you mentholate their other parts after, believe me."

It has now been approximately five hours... We've been eating way, way, way too much sugar, so we decided to break out the lubes.

Peaches and Cream Duo Lube, Plus Sweeten'd Blow Gel in Raspberry
Lacey: "The Cream lube is by far the least offensive; it's just kinda aspartame-y. Peach lube and Sweeten'd Blow both taste like cough syrup, but not the good kind. Like 80s drugstore flavor. I feel like we need to introduce the sex novelty industry to vanilla and almond extract and then tell them to stay away from literally all other tastes. I'm sure they're nice people; they just need a little guidance."

We just gave up and consumed an entire can of Reddi-Wip. We figure that counts...

We decided on a nourishing combination of brown bread and "Boy Butter", which is like I Can't Believe It's Not Butter except that it's actually just vanilla-flavored lube in a margarine tub.

Elizabeth: "For the most highly anticipated and most dreaded item on the menu, it was not as bad as the name would suggest. That said, I have no interest in ever eating it again."

Lacey: "This was actually fine! I really like bread, and I really like frosting-flavored things, so this was right in my wheelhouse... I shouldn't have told the internet that, should I?"

xx Elizabeth and Lacey

Photos by Mathea Millman.

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  • http://www.madame-ostrich.com/ Madame Ostrich

    ...but how did the food products get into the office?! Please tell me they weren't "gifted" to be tested.

    At one point, some "adult toy" company asked me to write a review of their product. Very awkward. But I digress... Happy Valentines day!



    • ITGLacey

      Nope! We went out & got them ourselves—we've got our journalistic ethics to think of here!

      • http://www.madame-ostrich.com/ Madame Ostrich

        Hahaha amazing "field work" ladies! Xx

  • Adrienne Angelos

    How do you even consume lube, by the teaspoon? I can't imagine it's easy to swallow, pun intended ;)

    • ITGLacey

      I literally poured a bunch on the back of my hand & then attempted to scoop it into my mouth. It was... graceful.

    • ITGLacey

      Speaking of which... have you read Annie's hilarious story on uses for tiny moisturizer spoons yet ( http://into.gl/1eWtlFb )? Because I think we just found another one...

  • Abigail

    also handy if you're stranded on a ski lift: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvUzUDzYYbk