Make Your Skin Super Soft

L'Occitane Shea Butter Ultra Rich Body Cream
Clinique Deep Comfort Body Butter
L'Occitane Milk Concentrate
Moroccanoil Body Butter

Ever notice that to completely stupefy a (straight, human) male, all you need to do is get him to touch you, then be insanely, aggressively soft when he does? It's great for when you want to win Twister or make someone forget you just ate the last cronut. And luckily, obtaining skin so silky that just looking at you makes people slightly dizzy is superlatively simple. So join me, won't you, on the path to distracting suppleness? Start by:

Exfoliating Everything
How much skin do you have? TOO MUCH, probably. That's why, first thing, you should remove all dermis that has ever seen daylight. The method's up to you: DIY sugar scrub, old coffee grounds, glycolic acid, whatever. Is all your skin gone now? Good; let's move along...

Turn Yourself Into a Human Veal Parm
Harry Brant once told us about his favorite trick for getting the softest skin ever: Drench yourself in moisturizer, mummify your extremities in Saran wrap, and go for a light jog. I'd just been slathering myself in whatever was on hand, but finally decided to try a bunch of body lotions to see which ones give the best results. Top honors go to L'Occitane Shea Butter Ultra Rich Body Cream, because it's a non-greasy but heavy hydrator. Clinique Deep Comfort Body Butter and Moroccanoil Body Butter also score high marks for their tenderizing/moisturizing abilities, and L'Occitane Milk Concentrate provided the most ounce-for-ounce smoothening magic.

Now protect your investment by...

Destroying All Cotton
Listen up, hippies: cotton is the ENEMY. It dries out your skin—just think about what happens when you wrap a towel around your body. Your cotton clothes are doing the exact same thing all day, every day, so slowly that you don't even notice they're sapping your softness powers. Did you need another reason to wear nothing but lycra leggings and pleather? Well then, you are welcome. The same thing goes for your sheets and pillows; satin isn't going to absorb moisture and turn you into a desiccated shell of your former self. If you wanted to be really dedicated to the cause, you could just go all the way and start wearing nothing but neoprene wetsuits.

Just how committed are you to this moisture thing? If your answer was "Completely," then let's talk about...

Living In Florida
See, humidity is great for your skin's hydration levels. So if you want to become your very best self, you will move to a swamp. Sure, the only viable candidates for your softness abilities may be alligators and Dexter, but you will have the reptile/serial killer market cornered. And isn't finding your niche what life's all about?

—Lacey Gattis

Photos by Mathea Millman.

Let’s Talk About It! JOIN IN
  • billyidol929

    LOL... i used to live in a cold climate and moved to Miami 10 years ago. I don't have any more problems with dry skin. We have the opposite issue here... mattifying and removing shine

  • Kerry Lee

    Or move to Hong Kong, holy cow, sometimes it gets so humid, even our walls have water vapour on it.

    • ITGLacey

      As someone who is from the New Orleans area, I know exactly what you're talking about—98F, 100% humidity for the win!

  • jspark

    What about Kiehl's? I love there whipped body butter.

  • Bells

    Where is Kiehl's Creme de Corps? ;)

  • Lana

    I live in Florida. Great for skin and luminosity. The WORST for good hair days. Sigh.

    • Amanda

      YUUUP, Miami here. NO product has been able to control my frizz. Ever.

  • Charmystique

    The grass is always greener on the other side! It's so crazy humid in Singapore if you don't use a humidifier in your wardrobe, everything starts getting moldy.

    I second the tip about slathering yourself in moisturizer and going for a workout. You'll emerge from the shower with silky, soft skin. Works like a charm!!

  • kathS

    has anyone from team ITG or otherwise tried the Harry Brant trick? I am kind of thinking of doing this and just a little curious as to how it works out..

  • Cay

    "Living in Florida" can be substituted with "live in pre-war building with uncontrollable radiant steam heating."

  • Megan Rose

    Love the morrocan body butter

  • katie

    I know it's anathema to many ITG'ers... but Vaseline's Vaseline with Cocoa Butter makes my skin like actual velvet. My higher-end, organic-product-loving sensibilities just have to take a backseat because it's too damned effective not to love and proselytize for.

  • Sylvie

    hmm... I dunno about the cotton thing, but I do swear by using a humidifier!

  • Victoria Larroque

    i think here in miami, we just all accept the frizzy hair.I used to be so surprised when girls would arrive to school with these sleek shiny locks and i'm just thinking, 'how many hours did that take?' haha too hot over here! Also, regardless of primers and the like, makeup is just about guaranteed to melt off of your face.

  • 1Alouette

    Ugh Cotton IS the enemy. Silk blouses and pillow cases and sheets are preferred.


L'Occitane Shea Butter Ultra Rich Body Cream
CLINIQUE Deep Comfort Body Butter 6.7 oz
L'Occitane Almond Milk Concentrate None