Juicing Ain't Easy - Into The Gloss

Juicing Ain’t Easy

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In the grand ITG tradition of writing letters to liquid snacks, our latest juicing convert, Lacey, bares her soul to the new beverage in her life.

Dear Juice,

I love you, despite how difficult this has been. And I think... I think I'm ready to make this thing real. I know you've been hurt before, but I'm not like those other ITG staffers. I'll admit, at first I thought you were overrated and pretentious and tasted like dirt-poison. But you're persistent! Remember all those times you showed up at the Gloffice, fresh from the Blueprint factory? I guess you just always knew that one day, I'd be thirsty.

After I broke down and tried you—got to know you—I couldn't get enough. You made me feel great, you inspired me to be healthier, and all the other liquids out there suddenly just seemed meaningless. But spending time with you became so expensive. I used to hang out with water all day for free, but just meeting up with you for a quick lunch cost $11. I wanted you every day, not just when I could afford Whole Foods, dammit. Which is why the December afternoon my parents gave me a Breville Slow Juicer was one of the happiest of my life. "Now," I thought, "Juice and I never have to be apart."

I still laugh when I think about that day. We were so young, weren't we? But in the immortal words of Shakespeare, "The course of true love never did run smooth." And indeed, things were far from smooth back then—in fact, they were extremely pulpy and the juicer's filter was very difficult to clean. Not that I'm perfect, either! Remember that time I  drank a Diet Coke? I was so scared that I was going to lose you (although the make-up juice? AMAZING).

You just get me, Juice, and I love every part of you: four green apples—sliced lengthwise into eighths so the Breville doesn't explode—three heads of dino kale, a tablespoon of lemon juice, and six celery stalks. I know sometimes I get a little wild and put berries and beets and carrots in you, but it doesn't mean that I want to change you. In fact, trying different ingredients keeps what we have fresh and exciting! And if coffee tries to say anything to you, just remember: I don't come home to coffee every night, do I?

You're messy and complicated and take forever to get ready. It's ok; I can accept that. I will clean gross filters full of what are basically wet, matted grass-clippings from now until eternity, or at least until there is a self-cleaning juicer on the market. And I promise never to complain that sometimes you still cost me $50 a week. It's a small price to pay for a soulmate.

What I'm trying to say is: Juice, I'm not going anywhere. Sure, you generate a ton of compost and I feel sort of douchey with you in public, but guess what? Without you, all the vegetables I buy at the Sunday farmer's market would just rot in the fridge because I am a terrible, incompetent cook who is never home, and juicing is literally the only way for me to avoid getting rickets. If that's not relationship security, I don't know what is.

—Lacey Gattis

Let’s Talk About It! JOIN IN
  • Emma Helen

    This is a great letter!! I wish I could have more than the odd fleeting love affair with juice. x

    http://www.travelstylefood.com

  • Svetlana

    best - loveletter - ever

  • Clever Girl Reviews

    I feel the same way about juice! Maybe try a Vitamix for faster and more fiber-full juice?

    • Kelsey

      Technically that would be a smoothie made in the Vitamix, I do enjoy smoothies too but there's just something so darn delicious about a green juice!

  • http://www.fancyalterego.wordpress.com/ Heather P.

    I quite enjoyed this! Now, to go find the world's perfect juicer...

  • Christine Stevens

    This love letter is BY FAR the best way I could ever start a Monday. Referring to the taste of juice as "dirt-poison" is probaly the most accurate description I have ever read in my life. But drinking fresh juice also makes me feel great, even though it is not my favorite thing in the world to do.
    Also, again, I had to hold in my laughter at my desk for fear of looking like a crazy person - but totally worth it. As always, I cannot wait for your next article! :)

    • ITGLacey

      I am drinking my morning dirt poison riiiiight now! ;)

      • Christine Stevens

        Yeah! Chug that dirt poison like you mean it! I did not have my daily dose today, but I have nearly polished off a big 1.5L bottle of water. And to summarize a quote from an article by Emily from awhile back, peeing that much is inconvenient. :|

  • B

    Agreed with the Vitamix - Makes EVERYTHING - from soups to ice creams to shakes to nut butters! Highly recommended!

  • Julia

    Love this post! I really want a juicer of my own now!

    exploresmore.com

  • Mademoiselle nature

    Very nice way of ending the day... with this nice letter, not with a juice !:-)))))

    http://www.mademoisellenature.blogspot.com

  • AM

    Anyone looking for a juicer, try the l'equip mini juicer! It yields a lot of juice, easy to clean, and doesn't take up a bunch of counter space. Plus it's super affordable. I got mine from Target for $100.

  • http://Www.designerbinary.com/ Designer Binary

    This is silly.... And i like it. Plus I love juicing! I seriously do want the vitamix I'm hearing its the juicer of all juicers but right now I can't warrant that price tag... Sigh...

    • Kelsey

      Just warning it's a blender not a juicer, but you can get good juicers for $100-$200.

  • http://ninadhollander.blogspot.be/ Nina | Hermania

    Beautiful.

  • Nhi

    Those juicing machines leave out the best and most nutritious bits of your fruit and vege. I have a $90 blender from Target that whips up a smooth, creamy green smoothie without fuss. You just have to prod the mixture to get the chunkier bits going (similar to that Vitamix stick). You get the whole food this way, not just the juice. Expensive appliances be damned, all you need is a semi-decent blender!

    • kneelbeforetigers

      Which one is it? The Ninja?

    • birdienumnums

      I used to think this. Then I actually took the time to learn about juicing! Blenders are fine and who doesn't like a smoothie. But juicing green juice gives your body micro-nutrients and more than you could ever ingest if you were eating fiber. there is a time and place for a vitamix, and a time and place for a breville. Only one will give you better health (assuming you are already eating fruits and vegetables).

  • http://www.kayliwanders.com/ Kayli Schattner

    So funny! Love it and love my juicer.

  • Edith Reimers

    Way back in 1970 N.W. Walker published Raw Vegetable Juices that contains correct combinations of veggies for health and healing. Still available.

  • sophie brewster

    The make up juice? Holy crow I've never laughed so hard. Amazing.

  • ITGLacey

    I love the Breville slow juicer! Since I make so much green juice & foliage is hard to extract from, it helps me not waste 80 pounds of kale.

  • Francisca Ferreira
  • lisahart

    Seriously how annoying are beets. But so delicious. http://lisahart.tumblr.com

PRODUCTS MENTIONED

Breville
Breville Fountain Crush Slow Juicer
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