The ITG Juice Cleanse Diary: Day 3

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First, catch up on Day 1 and Day 2. And now, Day 3:

Michael:

To My Dearest Juice,

I want you to know that this is the hardest cleanse diary entry that I’ve ever had to write. I’m looking around the room at the life we built over the past three days, your orange bottle caps and freshness seals scattered across the coffee table. My pillow…bunched up on the sofa from those siestas we used to love. Has it really been sixty hours? God. I remember the first day we met. The day Mick Harper and Juice Bottle became Mick Harper and Juice Bottle-Harper. No one believed we would be here sixty hours later. Not even us.

Earlier today, I was talking with Emily and Nick over Skype and they said my skin looked radiant. Radiant! First time in my life anyone has ever said that to me, and I give all the credit to you.

But I think we would both agree that things have been far from perfect for quite awhile. It pains me to say this, but...making drink to you last night felt like a chore. What happened to the juice I fell for three days ago? The juice that introduced me to new flavors? To new ways of cleansing? I opened our refrigerator this morning, and my stomach’s heart sank. This six of you just stared back at me. Bottled up. Cold. I just can’t keep living like this, and I know—I KNOW—you can’t be happy either.

Maybe three days were all we were meant to have. When I hear you talk about selling everything and moving to an ashram in India or opening up a pottery studio outside of Taos with your astrologist friend, Rainbow… I get scared. Those are your hippie dreams, but what about what I want? I’m human and I need food. I’m not trying to make excuses for the spring-roll affair yesterday, but honestly I’ve needed food this whole time and I now know that’s something you’ll never be able to give me.

I’m going to Las Vegas tomorrow with my friends. I’ll be there for a few days and that should give you enough time to pack up your empty bottles. You can keep all of them if you’d like.

Juice, I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me, but the oscillating deliriousness has convinced me that this is for the best. Who knows, maybe in six months or year we could give it another shot? Wheatgrass, perhaps.

Don’t forget to recycle,

Mick

Emily:

Guys, detoxing in complete solitude is way easier than detoxing IRL. At a lunch at locavore-heaven ABC Kitchen with the team from Tory Burch, I passed on the bread. I passed on the dayboat scallops and the homemade gelato. I nursed two glasses of coconut water and had a kale salad, which contained teeny, pea-sized croutons that I chose to fold in rather than separate out. Thus began my slippery slide into “cheating” on day three, turning what would have been a 72-hour cleanse into a 60-hour jumpstart into a healthier way of eating. That’s right: I’m looking on the bright side, despite the fact that, as my fellow juicers (with the exception of Michael; see above) would attest, no one in the Gloffice is glowing or feeling particularly great. However, I do feel more inclined to make healthier choices in the coming days. I won’t be “transitioning back” with pizza, though when the waitress at ABC brought over a mushroom-and-taleggio pie compliments of the chef, my mouth began to water. And I thought of Kendrick Lamar. I hummed a little song in my head, and it went something like this:

I am a sinner who’s probably gonna sin again
Lord forgive me, Lord forgive me
Things I don't understand
Sometimes I need to be alone
Bitch don't kill my vibe, bitch don't kill my vibe
I can feel your energy from two planets away
I got my drink, I got my music
I would share it but today I'm yelling
Bitch don't kill my vibe, bitch don't kill my vibe
Bitch don't kill my vibe, bitch don't kill my vibe

Cheers to treating your body well. And maybe having one Dr. Green Juice a day for a while, rather than 18 in three days.

Nick:

5pm: I turn to Emily, who's just eaten the accidental croutons on her salad, and tell her: "My skin looks the same, my eyes aren't any clearer, and this isn't fun or interesting anymore. What if my body is breaking down?" She tells me to write that thought down, so I don't forget to include it in my diary. Ugh. But let's back up...

My alarm wakes me up out of a vivid dream in which I'm eating a chocolate-chip cookie. That's the whole dream. Sad. But I really love cookies, and it turns out they're the only thing I miss having on a daily basis. Tate's, I just can't quit you. 

I was hoping to greet day three with a newfound clarity and boundless energy. Instead, I feel basically the same. However, the upside, which I discover when I look in the mirror, is that I am now the proud owner of a (temporary) six pack. It's like the juicing scrubbed off those few pounds of abdominal insulation. Do I have Jill's regimen to thank, or the fact that I've consumed slim to no salt and no alcohol—and no Tate's—for three days?

One last thing, a word to the wise: if you must go to a work lunch while juicing, I recommend you do it only with the ladies from Tory Burch. I challenge anyone to find a more understanding, more cleanse-compassionate group of people. This doesn't mean I still didn't feel like an asshole when my mini beaker of wheatgrass arrived as my entrée [photo 7], when everyone else had ordered delicious salads and a pizza. But they made me feel normal. 

Elizabeth:

Oh, juice cleanse, I shant miss you. Yes, it was a wonderful experiment, and yes, I am proud I gave it a shot, but man, am I psyched to eat whatever I want again. Yay to food! Good ol' cooked food! Perhaps I'll finally ejoy that cheeseburger I’ve been craving for three days… No, no—now that the cleanse is over, I’m going to attempt a healthier diet. Less processed stuff, more organic (oh man, I’m sounding like one of those weird hat people Michael was talking about…). Basically, a diet that is friendlier to my temple-aspiring body.

Anywho, day three begins with not the brightest of spirits on my part and a deep desire to drop-kick all the food and drinks that One Lucky Duck had prepared for me. I am still planning on doing a five-day cleanse at this point. I think, “If I’m going for it, I should do it all the way!” Fool. (Maybe some of you are a bit stronger than I am, but my recommendation would be: if you're not big on juices in your daily life, opt for a shorter cleanse for your first time. Your stomach, your brain, and probably your friends, family, and coworkers will thank you).

I start to crack around lunchtime. I take out my caesar salad. Definitely not happening. I am a grown (growing?) woman (girl?). I need real human food, not food fit for rabbits. At this point, I'm not even hungry, I am just angry. And frustrated. And I hate everyone. (I promise I’m not generally so full of hostility.) I decide three days is enough: “I’m quitting after tonight. Tomorrow morning, I am getting a peanut butter smoothie from Juice Generation and it will be wonderful,” I say, to no one in particular.

That was it. My mood elevated, I knew the end was near. Sure, I didn't exactly follow my cleanse on the final day (I picked at the meals and didn't finish my drinks), but I definitely gave it a fair shot. I held out until 7pm when I ate my final meal, a Brazil Nut-Crusted Almond and Sea Vegetable Croquette Salad with some "chocolate pudding" on the side. Cut to eleven hours later. I am thrilled to announce that I have been reunited with food. Oh, how I’ve missed it. I will never abandon it again.  

Photos: [1] The aftermath, [2-3] Michael's Cleanse, [4-6] Emily's Cleanse, [7] Nick's Cleanse, [8-11] Elizabeth's Cleanse

Let’s Talk About It! JOIN IN
  • http://twitter.com/schmangelo Angelo

    This may just be my logic, but doesn't it seem like slowly adding better foods to your diet while removing the bad would be a more sustainable choice than crash cleansing? This whole "I will be so much healthier now" reminds me of every time I've said "I'm never drinking again!" after an epic bender.

    Also, I don't know if it's my background in science, but drinking anything out of a beaker would freak me out.

  • http://twitter.com/ZLifeMag Z-LIFE Magazine

    This made me laugh so hard it actually brightened my week. Thanks ITG.

  • http://twitter.com/KateSouthSays Kate South

    I've had accidental juice cleanses (basically days where I am too busy to actually sit down and eat anything, so I grab a juice), but those only last 1 day and I am back on the food train as soon as I can actually catch my breath. It's been hilarious reading your entries!

  • Tiyana

    This made me recall my own juice cleanse experience, when I made my boyfrend take me to the hospital because I was hallucinating spinal problems. That's what happens on a 5-day cleanse you guys!

  • Leili

    Kind of sad this series is over, but now I won't feel bad the next time someone suggests a juice cleanse and I roll my eyes and keep stuffing my face.

    Thanks for the laughs, ITG!

    (I actually snorted today at Michael's wheatgrass shot line).

    Please bring back the diaries at some point!

  • Molly Oberstar

    I laughed out loud many a time during this 3 part series. Great work, guys. I've been tempted to jump on the juice cleanse bandwagon, but I think I'll just stick to my whole fruit. And maybe bring a VItamix into the picture. I am not sure I can stomach concoctions like "Sweet Potato Pie" and "Spinach and Dill." I may be weak, but I'm not exposing myself to that ish. Congrats on the strong finish!!!

  • Lucy Apted

    This has made my day!
    http://hunterapted.blogspot.co.uk/

  • http://twitter.com/schmangelo Angelo

    I totally agree. Look at what you're gaining rather than what you're losing.

  • http://twitter.com/bellechantelle Chantelle

    The honesty is so refreshing. We learn in med school how unsustainable and bad these juice cleanses are, so I'm glad ya'll are finally eating real food again.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=39600773 anna mcallister

      Can you go into a (little) more detail? (I agree with you but you probably know facts where I just think....eat food)

  • http://aesthetic-li.com/ Aliya

    Michael/Mick, I can't even. I know I just commented on you being ridiculous for Day Two, but that's the only word that comes to mind, and I mean it in the most flattering way possible. F*cking ridiculous..."making drink to you last night felt like a chore..." You should have your own blog...

  • Julia Jones

    These are the best responses to a juice cleanse I think I've ever heard, and unfortunately I've heard a lot.

  • Shara

    Aww congrats everyone! You made it! Life is colourful again!

    My friends and I made fried oreos once. They were so horribly amazing.

    I was actually somewhat inspired and began researching juice cleanses in
    Sydney after your Day #2 entry.

    After reading today's entry I'm not sure if I want to go through with the cleanse. I feel like this part is a lot more.. negative towards juice cleanses lol. Maybe it's because it was your last day, so most of you (understandably, ofc) talked about how amazing solid food was and how you were so glad that the cleanse was over.

    • FF

      I recommend taking the concepts of a juice cleanse and applying them to your diet (as in what you eat, not what you restrict) without having to go through the whole juice cleanse experience. Eat real food, that's fresh and full of nutrients, vitamins, minerals, unprocessed, and organic. Nourish yourself with actual fruit and vegetables like tomatoes, endives, kale, avocados, sweet potatoes, etc. Add in high quality omega 3s like eggs, and fish. Take out all processed white grains. Do not drink. Put everything on salad greens. Try it for 2 or 3 days, see if you don't get the feeling you're on the right track without feeling deprived. Only my opinion.

  • babs

    You guys are hilarious. Kudos for doing this, and thanks for giving me several very good reasons never to do a juice cleanse myself. Three cheers for moderation!

  • jenny

    very funny!!! love the writing....just saying, when I eat mostly raw (80 percent)...and you have to keep it up for a number of weeks....your skin does glow, your eyes are bright, and my mood is uplifted....

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