The Holiday Detox/Retox Plan


So the party came and went and wasn’t that swell? But now you’re looking at some puffiness, dark circles, bleary eyes, and some less-than-happy-with-you skin. You’re feeling, as a friend of ours used to say the morning-after, “vulnerable.” Not only is life waiting outside your front door (noises! people! people with their noises!) but you might even have other parties in the near future. Maybe even tonight. Before you play dead, call in sick, or fake your own kidnapping—never fear (and drink water)! We’ve got a plan for you. Let’s call it a Detox/Retox Plan.

What To Eat: We took a tip from The Doctors (that’d be daytime-TV’s The Doctors) and you should, too. Step away from the Egg McMuffin. Everyone who tells you to eat greasy food is a lying jerk and not helping. Don’t listen to them. Make a smoothie (have someone else blend it—blenders are your enemy right now) with 1 cup Milk (vitamin D), a whole banana (Vitamin B6 and potassium), 1 dollop of honey (magnesium), and ice. B6 helps support and increase your metabolism, potassium = electrolytes (you lost a lot last night, we’re afraid to say), and vitamin D does something important to your insulin levels when they need it most, which is apparently fantastic. Honey is like gasoline for your liver (which, in this metaphor, is a car or a really expensive speedboat) because it contains a nearly 1:1 ratio of fructose to glucose. There you go! Also: eat an omelet with asparagus. (We read that in Us Weekly.) Eggs and cheese have B12 for energy, and asparagus has 2/3 of your daily dose of vitamin K for brain function. Remember your brain? It remembers you. Also (x2): WATER.

What to put on your skin: Eradicate any traces of last night with one of our recommended face-washing routines (extra points if you can use your Clarisonic today without wanting to throw it across the room), or pull out an exfoliant, like Tatcha Polished Gentle Rice Enzyme Powder. Tip a half-teaspoon of powder into your wet hands, lather, and apply to your wet face in a circular motion, for about a minute. Yes, there will be some tingling, but there will be brightening, too. And that brightening is what you need right now, friends. Not kidding. Rinse, momentarily revel in your baby-soft clarity, and then massage in a deep serum like Tammy Fender Quintessential Serum (immediate nutrition, radiance, and cell-renewal), wait until it soaks in, and top with more lovingly applied moisture: La Mer Moisturizing Soft Cream feels about right, or La Roche-Posay Toleriane Riche (light, easy, fragrance-free). If additional reinforcements are necessary: Clarins Beauty Flash Balm is a Gloffice favorite. Or the Instant Smooth Self Tanning balm, if you’re feeling nauseated/looking a little pallid, will make you look healthier.

What to put in/on your eyes: Metal spoons placed in your fridge and applied to puffy eyes are a godsend—actually, keeping your eye cream in the fridge is not a bad idea, in general (or, just remember to chuck your eye product in the fridge to chill once you’ve stumbled home, before passing out). Some people swear by soaked chamomile tea bags applied to the under eye. No matter what you do, show your under-eye some love (massaging, again!). You may feel some action going on there, after the cold spoon and tea bags and the cold eye cream, and that’s the blood recirculating to your face. Welcome back, blood! Also: eye drops. Bausch and Lomb and Visine both make great drops to combat irritated eyeballs (and both make options for contact-lens wearers). Feel free to join us in reminscing about high-school marijuana enthusiasts who used Visine all the time, though try not to laugh while deploying the stuff—or risk dousing your recently moisturized face.

What about your spirit?: Relax. Drink water. Take ibuprofen if you need it. Avoid harsh lighting and stressful people (if possible). Read old Top Shelves—they’re good for you. Apologize to any coworkers/friends/family members you offended last night. (Pro tip: try not to check your phone history. It will only alarm you; it is no help now, being alarmed.)

Going out again tonight?: By now, you probably look great (or, at least, no longer undead), but you’re certainly still feeling a little like a worn-down pencil, which is to say, dulled. Brighten up with our latest favorite skin-booster, Zelens Instant Transformer Renewal Masks (talk about tingling!). Emily thinks you could apply one and wear it out “and look like Robert Pattinson in the first Twilight movie,” which prompted Alessandra to start singing, “Shine Bright like a Diamond”—if that’s not a resounding endorsement, we don’t know what is. Apply the entire contents of one pod to your face (you will see what we mean about the whole pearlescent thing), wait 15 minutes, and rinse off with warm water. At first, the resulting facial tingle might make you feel like you’ve made a terrible mistake, but we promise: you will look like you slept all day in a good way, not a fetal-position-on-the-couch-watching-Bravo-reruns way (which might have been the real way, no shame in it! We're all about Million Dollar Decorators). Now, get back out there, tiger. You’ve got a cat eye to master, places to go, and people to see.

Product photos by Elizabeth Brockway.

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